critical mass

Fuck bike nerds. So what, you’ve got a sticker on your bicycle that says “One Less Car.” Maybe you should change it to say “One More Dork.”

Just because you invented Critical Mass doesn’t mean I need you pulling up beside me at a stop sign and saying, “You really need a light on the back of your bike” or “Hey, you should fasten up your helmet properly.” Why thank you. Yeah, I’ve come to rely on advice from assholes in spandex shorts.

And then off you go around the corner, giving the correct arm signal for a right-hand turn. Hey clown-pants, I bet if the government said all bike helmets had to be pink, you’d run right out tomorrow and buy a pink helmet.

I’m just bitter because if there were a driver’s test for bicycle licenses, I would fail. I was on my way back from the Dartmouth library this afternoon and was pedalling home over the North Street bridge. There’s a hairpin curve at the end of the bike lane (they make you go all the way down to Barrington Street for some dumb reason), and I was approaching the curve at considerable speed as I’d been accelerating down the long slope of the bridge.

So I was thinking, “I am going rather fast for this sharp turn” and I went to put on the brakes but after having ridden my old bike Jennifer for so long I had gotten used to coaster brakes and I went to pedal backwards and nothing happened because on my new bike Goreater the brakes are on the handlebars. After the briefest moment of panic and fruitless back-pedalling at high velocity, I slammed into that big metal fence at the end of the turn.

It was quite the accident. I banged up both my knees pretty bad as well as the side of my face (thanks for nothing, Mister Gayass Bike Helmet) and also bent the front wheel of my bike all to hell.

I somehow managed to hobble home. The pain in my knees was so bad that I couldn’t stop laughing. It hurt so much it was funny.

Fuck this shit, somebody buy me a Chrysler Sebring.

So I wound up having to go on a burger march with Gerry to BK, some burger march, it was more like a burger limp, I laughed my head off the whole way there.

On the Burger King drive-thru breakfast menu there’s a big sign that says “Have A Burger For Breakfast!!!” Now that’s marketing.

19 thoughts on “critical mass

  1. Ouch. Sorry to hear that. At least you got a good, er, laugh out of it.

    “Have A Burger For Breakfast!!!” Why, of course! Those bastards STOLE that from me. I swear it.

  2. I’ve been reading this blog lately and the writing is pretty good. But white on black just doesn’t work for serif fonts. It’s so illegible that I don’t want to keep reading.

  3. ahh.. the old form vs function conundrum.

    Personally I much prefer function over form. Unnamed writer thinks white on black is no good for serif fonts. But what about sans serif? By implication, would *that* be acceptible in a white on black environment?

    Unnamed writer seems to like the writing but not the form. Seems to prefer form over function. Just as the Bauhaus school did. And guess who invented the sans serif font…..yup … Bauhaus.

    Need a red pill now.

  4. white text on black is always harder to read. however, it is better than white on gray. especially older people.

    and in general, serif textfaces are easier for people to read than sans serif textface.

  5. ow.

    Burger for breakfast? All I wanna do is drink beer for breakfast.

    The font looks fine on my screen. Maybe it’s cuz I’m not on a trendy mac.

  6. ouch! so sorry you’re achy… find a nubile young lass and play upon her sympathies… then play upon her body

    my friend has a sebring convertible… it’s rather nice. maybe i’ll ‘borrow’ it and take a drive up the coast to you

  7. oh grow the fuck up already. why not just criticize someone for growing a garden?

    I hope you don’t learn to use your helmet properly and when you’re lying in a vegetative state (if you’re lucky) after a car plows you down, I’ll put a nice “one more dork” sticker on your forehead.

  8. Oh my god, can you guys believe I actually touched a nerve with that obviously humourous rant?

    See this is why everybody hates hippies.

    Fuck garden nerds. They’re just looking for any excuse to get down on their knees.

  9. That has to be one of the most nerdy converstaions I have ever read… sans serif? serif? i dont understand. i think that might be a good thing. It is a little hard to read but the good writing makes you want to read it. I hope you’re OK! My friend was on a bike a few years back, it was her third time on one and she biked into a wall and had to get stiches. Then I went out and bought her a fake brick so she’ll always remember the wall.

  10. i never take that turn when i bike back, i just throw my bike over the fence and jump it…. what am i talking about, i don’t drive a bike anymore since i got my new HUMMER!!!! I drive it everwhere, to work, to the mall. I drive it to Needs and it’s only a block away. I probably burn half a gallon of gas on the way there? Who cares? We can get new gas.

    Vote Republican.

  11. Does it surprise anyone that someone who uses the name “BikeDemon” and comes up with the incredibly witty email address, “bikenerd@fuckyou.net” does not have a clue about context?

  12. Never had an accident like that! Damn.
    Alot of fellow bike people(?) are crashing as of late. I should be more afraid.

    I’m a bit comforted to know that I’m not the only person getting razzed by the bike nerds.

    Really bike nerds, protect your own head. Do the safety gear up all the way! Good for you.
    But leave the issue of my head alone. If you want to complain, complain about the idiot in the car on the cell phone who just came very close to hitting you and your helmet.

  13. burgers fried in beer.
    I wonder what would happen to hotaction if Philip got into a bike accident rendering him ugly as say, Ian Hart.

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