soup is good food

I got tired of wrestling with the cheap can opener. So I went out and bought a new can opener that works like magic. I pretty much just wave my hand over the top of the soup can and the lid pops right open.

On good days, you can invert the can and the soup will fall out in one gelatinous lump. Shlunk. Otherwise you’re scraping soup out of the can with the end of a spoon.

The soup people mean business when they say you’re supposed to add the milk and water “slowly, while stirring constantly.” I used to dump it all in and fire up the heat. I’d wind up with Lumps of Chicken Soup instead of Cream of Chicken Soup. I have learned to defer to the authority of the soup-instruction-writing people.

It’s important to take your time and get it right. It’s three in the afternoon and you haven’t eaten anything yet. You could be on your way to a pointless, wasted day. Cook a can of soup and you’ll have a good chance to turn the day around.

When my soup is ready, I will eat it straight from the pot, while standing up in the kitchen. This is a bachelor’s prerogative.

Slowly, I stir constantly and allow my mind to relax. I spot half a package of soda crackers on the kitchen shelf. Those crackers have been chosen to die a soggy, soupy death.

Slowly, I stir constantly as I wake up to the possibilities of the day.

Slowly, I raise the spoon to my lips. I blow on the soup. A yellow ripple shakes across the spoonful. I part my lips and hazard a taste.


Forgot to turn on the burner.

9 thoughts on “soup is good food

  1. I actually LOL’d at your misfortune of not turning the burner on.

    You better treat your new can opener good. I just saw it laying around on the stove-top moments ago. You better put it in a drawer before it gets lost or broken.

  2. Here’s a helpful hint from the physics chef. If you soup/refried beans/cranberry sauce doesn’t shlunk out in one lump, it’s because air can’t get into the bottom of the can (it’s more complicated that that, but I’m not going to get into differences in air pressure on the top of the can vs. bottom of can.) To fix this, use your new can opener on the bottom of the can as well. You don’t even necessarily have to cut the bottom all the way off, it’s often enough to just start it, so that the air will have a way of getting in. Holy crap I’m a nerd sometimes. (But I also know how annoying it is to have to scrape cans out with a spoon. I must do my part to rid the world of can scraping.)

  3. yes, just slice through about half of the bottom of the can you just took the top off of, then slowly make your way to the stove and hold it over the pot.

  4. Yo physics dude, that shit ain’t workin’. First off Campbell’s soup cans have no lip on the bottom, just a a shiny rounded metallic edge. No way to get a can opener onto it.

    So I root around the drawer and find some pointy metal thing with which to jab holes in the bottom of the can. The soup shlunks out much as before.

    Then the following direction: “Add half a can of water, half a can of milk.” Except now my can is FULL OF HOLES because I’m a fool who believes what he reads on the Internet.

    Worth a try but… back to the drawering board!

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