Greetings from the Chipman Public Library. Here I am on the public computer. Pretty mellow afternoon in the library today. Nice sunny day.
Let me tell you what I did yesterday morning in Halifax. I took my busted laptop into the computer place in Halifax and set it down on the desk. Spoke to the guy for a while. We talked. That’s all. We were just talking. I was calm.
Finally he said, “Well if you like I could make a phone call for you.”
I said “Please do.”
The guy was on hold for a while. He said to me, “She’s just looking up your… Hello? Yes it is. Well no, we haven’t actually checked it all out yet. But it’s having the exact symptoms it had before when this happened… Oh yes… Hmm, yes I see… Ah…”
I said “Gimme that god damn phone.”
I said, “Hello who’s this? Stacey? Sophie. That’s a very nice name. That’s my niece’s name. OK listen carefully Sophie. We’re not going to wait for anyone to verify any problem. That’s because you’re not going to be repairing this computer. Because I never want to see this God damn machine again. Understand? …I’m taking out a match and a can of gasoline right now, Sophie. I’m going to pour it all over this computer and set it on fire. You hear me? Right here in the store. We’re all going to Hell together Sophie, that’s right. You, me and this computer. We’ll all burn together. Are you ready? I’m going to do this in exactly five seconds. Five… four… three… Yes I’ll hold for a moment.”
Sophie came back and said, “I just spoke with my manager and we’re going to make an exception for you, Mr. Clark. Your old computer was 800 megahertz. Your new one will be 1.25 gigahertz. Your old computer had 384MB of RAM, your new one will have 512. Your old computer had a CD burner. Your new computer will have a CD burner and a DVD burner as well. It will be a brand-new computer in the box with a new one-year warranty. And we can have it to you in a week to ten days.”
I said, “I’ll need it tomorrow.”
Sophie said, “Umm, ahh OK… I’m not sure if we can do it for you tomorrow but we might be able to get it there a little faster… What’s your home address?”
So I’m here at the library checking my email for a FedEx tracking number. But I haven’t received any messages from FedEx. Do you suppose Sophie was just shitting me? If so I will be very disappointed.