I used to think that my heart was broken. Then I realized that my heart isn’t broken so much as it’s simply gone.

I got up this morning and drank a bottle of Javex bleach. I stood around in the backyard for a while. Then I took off my pants and waded out into the river.

The water was so cold, my nuts crawled all the way up into my abdomen. I had to come inside and sit on a space heater for a while to try to coax them out. Finally I wound up having to use a pair of salad tongs.

So which do you prefer, French dressing or Italian?