Last night I sat down

Last night I sat down to make a list of all the things that were hanging over my head and stressing me out. By the time I finished, the list was so long, I wanted to change my name and move to Saskatchewan.

First and foremost though, I need to eat better and get more sleep. Last night was going to be the first night of the New Me. Instead, I came to the studio stayed up until 7AM, fooling around with the MIDI implementation on our digital audio workstation. It wrecked any chance for me to enjoy this sunny day. I think I ruined my summer, right there.

I went home and crashed and had two dreams. In the first one, I was talking to a guy I know who works as a bartender. He was reading a big book and casually mentioned that he was a practicing lawyer, and he just bartended on the side for fun. It changed my image of him and made me examine myself critically. All the years of work it takes to be a lawyer, get a practice, start earning a respectable living. I will probably never ever do it. It made me wonder if I will ever do anything useful in the eyes of society, as opposed to staying up all night playing with gizmos–something useful to no one but myself (maybe).

In the second dream, I ran into a crew of young emo kids who had pretty much dropped out of society to roam around the country. They were hopping trains, meeting people and sleeping on their floors, eating out of dumpsters, and generally having a great time answering to no one. And I was jealous of these kids as well. What was stopping me from throwing everything away and joining them in a truly carefree existence? I felt hopelessly stodgy and uptight.

These dreams seem to embody contradictory urges. The only thing they seem to have in common is dissatisfaction. The fact that I had them both within a couple hours of each other is pissing me off. I think I need a change in my life and it doesn’t even matter what it is.