The Official 2007 Guide to A/V Dance Move Styles
We’re Number One
Point your index fingers in the air and wave them around like you’re chanting “We’re Number One.” Only don’t forget to put your hips into it a little bit. This is the default A/V dance move.
Sizzle Like Bacon
Fall down on the floor and shake your body and flop all around exactly like you would if you were a piece of bacon lying in a hot hot pan. This move works best in a confined space so you can sizzle around and roll on top of people and make out with them. If you are vegan or vegetarian, feel free to substitute “Sizzle Like A Perfectly Seasoned Tofu Strip.”
The Imperial Staircase
Plant your feet slightly wider than shoulder-width apart. Take four steps forward while lowering your torso as if you were walking down some stairs. Then take four steps backwards and walk back up again. Again, you’ve got to get sassy with the hips.
After careful analysis of the human body-mass index, I have determined that 135 beats per minute is the optimum tempo at which to execute The Imperial Staircase. That is why I wrote a bunch of songs with this tempo (e.g., “The Clumsy Surgeon”).
I once worked at a hotel alongside an Algerian guy and English was his fourth language. He spoke Arabic, and some other kind of Arabic, and then French, and finally English. So we wound up speaking French most of the time, which was some kind of a compromise parce que moi, je suis tres mauvais en francais. We wound up communicating via gestures a lot. My favourite gesture of his eventually turned into the dance move we now know as “The Nose.”
The following is to be executed quickly, as a single fluid motion. Place the palm of your hand over your face. Then bring your fingers in and draw your hand forward, as if your nose were made of silly putty and you were stretching it out in front of you. Stretch out a nice long beak for yourself. Scrunch up your mouth and make a ridiculous face. Feel free to give the nose a quick little shake when it is drawn out to its full length. The effect should be somewhat crude, suggesting that your face is getting a boner.
Brahim used to do The Nose whenever a foxy woman walked by. “God! [nose] She is so sexy!”
Nowadays you can throw this move into your dance repertoire at any time to serve as a kind of funky punctuation. You can also walk up to other people and give them The Nose, or you can get creative with it in other ways, such as drawing out the nose and then pretending to tie it in a knot or run it under a sewing machine or whatever.
The Shooter Waitress
I learned all about The Shooter Waitress at a show last fall in Corner Brook, Newfoundland. If you want to know a thing or two about partying, be a friend to Ryan. When he’s suitably warmed up he transforms into a character known as “The Mitchell” and The Mitchell has got all kinds of moves.
The first part of this dance is very important. You’ve got to hide behind a pillar, or duck down behind a PA speaker or something. Then, at the opportune moment, you pop out from your hiding place with a big smile on your face and roam around the room with your arm up like you’re carrying a big tray of shooters. Basically you just strut around the dancefloor from person to person and act like you’re checking to see if anybody wants a shooter. This simple dance has proven itself to be a neverending source of delight.
There’s a woman who works at The Capital Bar in Fredericton, NB who embodies all the characteristics of the perfect shooter waitress. She’ll just appear out of nowhere at the foot of the staircase with this huge tray of colourful shooters, all petite and smiley and going from person to person making sure everybody’s having a good time and everybody’s doing all right for shots. I don’t even know her name and I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know anything else about her because right now she exists for me as this ideal type.
It’s a beautiful sunny winter afternoon in Gaspereau Forks, what am I doing sitting inside? I am creating an animated gif for you, to illustrate the latest hot dance move for 2007.
It’s David Byrne from The Talking Heads who was kind enough to demonstrate The Squid for us in his famous concert movie. It’s not exactly the same move but if you’ve seen A/V lately you’ll definitely recognize it. Picture it about 50% faster, for one thing.
I have to say, I love The Shooter Waitress but The Squid is my favourite dance move right now. It’s especially awesome when you get a room full of drunk people all trying to do The Squid at the same time.
Honourable Mention: straightedge hardcore.
Any moves that you might bust out at a hardcore show are welcome at the A/V show. And why not? Since the days of my youth I have been known to get excited and clap my hands and point two fingers in the air, and then run and jump and give someone a roundhouse kick or bend over at the waist and give the floor a punch in the face.
Second Honourable Mention: jumping jacks.