I’m sitting in the restaurant at the Salisbury Big Stop. My car’s out in the parking lot with a seized water pump. I’m going to be sitting here until the garage opens at 8am Saturday morning.

It is now 10:30pm Friday night.

So how was your Xmas? Did you get anything good? I got viral gastroenteritis. I had a pretty shitty week. You might say. 

They should call it “gastro-exit-itis.” On Friday I had to DJ a party… my stomach said “It’s not a good idea to leave the house.” I went out anyway and rocked that party. On Saturday I had an A/V show. My stomach said “You really should stay home.” I went out anyway. I had to run to the can six times during the band before me. Then I got up and rocked the whole house.

On Sunday I was invited to a birthday party. My stomach said, “You know, it’s REALLY REALLY not a good idea to leave the house.” And it was right!

My brother got me a Laserhawk BB Air Rifle. It’s pretty awesome. The first thing I did when I got home was shoot out all the light bulbs in the house. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do with a BB gun? Then I took out an upstairs window. Guess I got a little carried away. This window had frost on the inside… how much good is it at being a window? It’s not like it’s keeping the cold out much, with frost all over the INSIDE of the window. So I aimed and fired. I took out a couple upstairs windows actually. I hardly ever go upstairs in the winter, who cares.

Then I went outside in search of moving targets. The scope on this thing is so cool. I used to think shooting was some kind of crazy esoteric skill. But you can look through the scope at something, and pull the trigger and hit it. Just like that! Philip Clark, Scout Sniper. 

A squirrel was giving me a dirty look from across the driveway. So I sighted him up and blasted him. He was quick but my bullet is quicker, or BB or whatever. I shot him right in the mouth and knocked one of his teeth out. Next time I see that squirrel he’ll be hissing at me through a mouthful of gold teeth.

I got bored with squirrels so I took a drive up the Fire Road and hung out at the overpass over the Trans Canada. I shot at some trucks, but only at the roofs of the trucks. Safety first! Except when an RCMP car came tooling up the highway. Couldn’t resist. I shot him right in the windshield. The car went off the road but I wasn’t sticking around to see what happened. I got the hell out of there.

Did I mention my brother also got me a ski mask for Xmas? Great gift combination. I did pretty good for presents this year.

I suppose you think it’s funny, a grown man in a ski mask, running around shooting at shit with an air rifle. Yeah? OK then. We’ll see who’s laughing when there’s red mist floating out the back of your dome-piece.