During our trip to the States I went looking for a Mars Bar. But apparently they don’t have those in the US. I thought, that’s fine, I’ll just get a treat that I can’t get at home. So I picked out a chocolate bar called a “Milky Way.” Turns out a Milky Way is pretty much exactly the same as a Mars Bar. I was impressed. I almost kept the wrapper. But then I threw it away. Anyway, that’s how delicious this chocolate bar was, that it almost had me convinced a piece of garbage was something precious.
That’s what life on Earth is mostly like.
You might have noticed I have a thing for Mars. I was born on Earth but I know that deep down inside I have the soul of a Martian. I have a constant restless feeling here. Like, no matter where I go on Earth I never ever feel at home. I am indifferent about travel because it doesn’t really matter to me where I am. No matter where I go, I’m still on Earth.
Sometimes when I’m walking through the grocery store I freeze in one place with this weird paralysis and I can’t move and my legs start shaking and it feels like my bones are trying to burst right through my skin. I recognize this sensation as a primal urge to leave behind this earthly body and reclaim my ancient physical form as a Martian.
Someday I will return. I can’t wait.
I know where Amelia Earhart went. She went to Mars. I am building a time machine, a portal through the continuum, and I will follow her there very soon.
The moon is no sanctuary for me as the lunar surface has already been sullied by the footprints of Earthlings.
You might think I would also be offended by the presence of the little Mars Rover on my home planet, but no. When I return to the red soil I will greet this robot explorer warmly and I will fall on my knees and embrace him like a long lost little brother.
The atmosphere of Mars is 95% carbon dioxide so when I arrive I will be asphyxiated almost immediately. But those will be the happiest seconds of my life.
“Here it is! I can’t believe we’ve finally finished it. The gateway to the portal of infinity.”
“‘Gateway to the portal of infinity.’ Hmm. Yeah. Anyway, pretty sweet.”
“Aren’t you excited? This is an epic moment! We are about to step forth into history.”
“Oh yeah, I’m just saying, we might want to pick another name, is all.”
“What’s the matter? Are you nervous? Relax, man. We’ve tested everything. Nothing’s going to go wrong.”
“Ok, I’m fine, it’s just that… ‘gateway’ to the ‘portal,’ it’s just kind of redundant.”
“It’s one small step for humanity, and one giant leap two billion years in the past for a couple of dudes, is what it is. All the way to ancient Mars. Man, this is gonna be so awesome.”
“Also, technically speaking, two billion years isn’t really ‘infinity’ per se.”
“I like the name. Before we leave maybe we should put a sign beside the doorway that says ‘Gateway to the portal of infinity.’ So the janitor doesn’t walk through by mistake. Or should we just get a plaque? A plaque would be pretty rad.”
“So in other words… this here is the doorway to the gateway to the portal of infinity.”
“You better put on your helmet.”
~
In conclusion, listen to my all-time favourite track.
Fake Blood – Mars
If you think the Mars/Milky Way thing is confusing, you should ask for Smarties in the US. Oh, and if you get a Milky Way in Europe, it’s like a 3 Musketeers bar in Canada.
I read somewhere (possibly in a Stephen King book) that Mars bars and Milky Way bars are pretty much the same. Also, have you read “Stranger in A Strange Land” by Robert Heinlein? The main character is a human boy that was born on Mars, and brought up by Martians. When he is “rescued” and brought back to Earth, he is a young man. There’s lots of other interesting stuff in it too, some science, and scandal, and sex. Lots of sex. (But not very graphic, you have to consider when he wrote it, and his audience. If you’re looking for more swash-buckling adventure, and sex that’s a bit more steamy, check out his book “The Cat Who Walks Through Walls.” Or for just more sex, try “I Will Fear No Evil.” There are a couple of decent over-the-knee spaking scenes.)