Dear Holly,

At the last minute I decided not to go with any of the tattoos that we had talked about. Instead I went for Nike Swooshes on the sides of both of my feet.

Now we're going to Iowa.

Suck my dick Eddie.

I'm in Denver. Shit is crazy. My nose is dry. My tired is tired. More later if I don't pass out in the tattoo chair until we leave for Iowa tomorrow.

Morgan's getting married, so I'm leaving town for a week. I probably wouldn't see most of you within the next week anyway, but if you want to hang out before I go I suggest coming down to Hell's Kitchen tonite to watch some bands play some songs. Who knows? I may even sing a couple.

I had forgotten that it actually still happened... It had been years.

The pressure was all right and the temperature had been bang on. The shampooing had gone down as planned, the conditioner was in, I had done all the neccesary cleansing in all the right nooks and crannies. I picked up the cannister and pumped out a handfull of shaving cream.

It had been a week or so since I had last shaved... Which is really pretty short when compared to my usual practices. My facial hair doesn't grow in very fast, which is to say that I can let it grow for a few weeks and I might start to look a little scruffy.

Anyways, getting back to the point here, so I lathered my face up nice and good. I was just about to start above my lip when it happened.

The water cooled up just a little bit.

"No big deal" I thought, "Holly's probably just making some breakfast and fucking with the water a little bit" as I reached and turned the cold tap down just a little to bring it back up to that magical temperature.

So with that I started on the lip. I got one side done and then it happened again.

Okay, so I'm not delusional enough to think that the hot water will come back again once it's run out, but at this point in time I was still just not cluing in to what the fuck was going on. I really wanted this shower to work out.... so I turned it down again.

This time it was gonna all work out. I could feel it.

I got the other side of my lip done and was about to start the sides and then it went again. "FUCK!" I yelled, as I threw my razor over the shower rod and into the sink and reached back to push that little shower piston in that will stop this violent rain (reign?) of freezing fucking hateful water on my head.

And now the cold water is blasting out of the taps and i'm just letting the "fuck"s fly, and I think Holly asked me what was wrong from behind the door, but i'm not sure I answered.

So i'm standing in this ankle deep water and I realize that I still have shaving foam all over my fucking face. Now you might think I would have waited until I got out, or whiped it off with the towel or some shit, but what do I do?

I get on my knees in this fucking water that has just dripped off my body (that's my hands, my feet, my nuts, my asshole) and start splashin it on my face. I realize what i'm doing, so I get up. Now i'm towelling myself off (still standing in the pool) and I have soap in my eye and I realize that the conditioner is still in.

Back down in that fucking water that I may or may not have peed a little bit in and i've got the cold water on again, rinsing this shit out of my hair. What the fuck am I using conditioner for anyway? What the fuck is wrong with me?

5 minutes later I'm in Holly's room getting dressed and as I pull my pants on I realize I have some sort of lather.... soap, conditioner, something, all over my ass. My boxers are slipping all over my ass.

Back in the fucking bathroom I go.

You can say what you want about a bath. It's boring, it's time consuming, it's hot, it's impractical, it's like sitting in a pool of your own filth, whatever... But at least with a bath, you know what you're getting.

In lighter news, powered by the popularity of Look at this midget washing his penis, today was a traffic record breaking day here at gercom.

Good job, you fucking perverts.

Today I did the last radio show I will ever do. I used to like doing radio shows, but the last few i've done i've just found painful. I just get so bored. Thanks for the good times CKDU, but i'm done.

All in all i've had a pretty shitty day.

Tomorrow afternoon, Monday, 3-5pm!!!!!!!!

The Heatment radio show on CKDU hosted by yours truly, GMH. I'll be playing all kinds of shit. Good shit. Tune it up and in:

On your radio dial at 97.5fm or on your internet button at http://ckdu.dal.ca..... now while you are waiting.....

Look at this midget washing his penis:

after I put a live photo of Sean McCabe and Ink and Dagger on my desktop:

H: Gerry, there comes a time in every boy's life...

G: I know what you're gonna say, and I haven't come to that time yet.

H: when he has to stop putting pictures of other boys on his desktop.

G: You have a picture of BJORK on your desktop and a picture of ANOTHER WOMAN'S PUSSY on your WALL.

H: (turns around and points at me)HEY! That's not just anyone's pussy..... That's MADONNA'S pussy!

Dear *guy* who distributes posters for a well known Halifax drinking establishment:

Owning a computer doesn't all of a sudden give you the right to do anything you want. Like all things in life, the responsibility must be handled with a certain level of maturity, courtesy and above all common sense.

I know that you have lived many many years, and that the presence of the internet as an oft used tool of communication and discovery is still a little new, exciting, and overwhelming to you, but it must be said that you are fucking up.

If you are going to lurk on someone's weblog, that is one thing. Lurk away. Read the whole fucking thing like the bible every night before you go to bed. Whatever. But when you go to the workplace of the someone in question and try to drop subtle little hints (that are in no way shape or form subtle) that you are a reader of their shit, you're sort of crossing the line into creepy old man territory.

FURTHERMORE, when the person in question makes it clear that they are not comfortable with this, the classy thing to do is back off. Don't keep showing up and dropping your little hints. They get it, they get it, for some reason you like reading their little online diary, ok, cool, leave it alone now. Put your little infatuation to bed because it's not gonna happen fella.

I can't believe I only used the F-Word once.

This'll be one of those posts that I do every so once in awhile that defines me as a true "blogger". One of those totally bored, it's 1am so I am going to go ahead and "chat" with the hypothetical "audience" about "life in general" on this "big crazy rock we live on".

Maddox would make fun of me. Oh well.

The thing is, I would call someone up and just pass away the bored time, but I think everyone is down in Hell watching Hookerblood and Gilbert Switzer. Now, you may ask me why I am not down there? Because I am broke (more on that in a bit). To that you might say "well Gerry, you know it's only 2 dollars to get in right?" Right, right, I know that, but something about paying 2 dollars to get into hell and not getting absolutely fucking shitfaced doesn't really sit well in my stomach.

I wouldn't call anyone anyway. I'd try to sleep, but I've been having a shit time with that lately. I've been thinking of getting a prescription for some Marilyn Monroes, but I think my mom would get really worried if she found out. Instead I just toss and turn concoting plan after misguided plan while the angel sleeps beside me. Sometimes she giggles in her sleep. If I asked her what she was laughing at she would tell me it isn't relevant to the situation and that I wouldn't find it funny. She's difficult. I love her.

So, the money thing. Well, all of you who have been following this shit for the last 25 or so months (if any of you have had that long of an attention span I probably owe you a BK Vegie) will not be surprised to learn that I am at this time not gainfully employed. I know, I know, it happens like twice a year for me, so what's the big deal....

It really couldn't have come at a worse time though. There are no groceries in my fridge, rent is due at the end of the month, and to top it off, two weeks from tomorrow (wait..... today) I go to the states to be the best man in my best friend's wedding.

Morgan's wedding. Well, first off, I haven't even begun to write a speech. Everytime I start I just end up thinking about funny things I've done to make Morgan laugh.... Shouldn't that shit be saved for my wedding? Mental block. Also, with my bank account currently 170 dollars short of even making rent where am I getting spending money, eating money, etcetera. Forget about a gift. Sorry guy, imma rap my 700 dollar plane ticket up in a red ribbon for ya. Congrats.

I am however looking forward to being in an Iowa town smaller than Charlottetown when the US presidential election goes down. I hope to find a bar and just sit there chugging drafts in my Vivienne Westwood naked cowboys tshirt and just take it all in. It should be great.

So, from that, I get back something like 9ish at nite on the third. The next nite the new Oh God lineup will open for SNFU at the Attic as part of the Halifax Pop Explosion. What the fuck, right? This is probably the thing I am least worried about really, which is funny, since I plan on spending more time working on this in the next 2 weeks than the job thing for sure. It's still gonna be weird though. It'll be the first time in about 3 years that I've been onstage without Tim and Jon. I think all three of us are probably pretty stoked at that prospect. It'll be weird, but fun.

There was a lot of shit to go through to get to this show, and things got pretty heated. I mostly want Steve at HPX to know that if anything I said or did offended him in any way, that I didn't mean for that to happen. You're doing a great job guy. There were times when I felt like I was being slighted and I reacted accordingly. I never at any point in time thought that anything was your fault.

Despite all this seemingly humdrum woe-is-me bullshit, this is actually the most happy I've ever been in my life, noshit. It's probably the first period in the last five years where I've actually abandoned my "I don't want to live past thirty" credo. Whatever, the drama is the drama. My E.I. will come through or I'll fall ass backwards into money, Utah and Iowa will be awesome fun, the show will be a gas and come November I'll have a new job somewhere.

I have a way of landing on my feet. If you don't believe me, check my archives, which I know you do (I monitor everything).

Goodnite and good morning,
Hubley

I don't care, I like these things so you can all go fuck yourselves with brooms.

1. What's on your bedside table? It's a makeshift dresser/desk hybrid, so.... everything.

2. What's the geekiest part of your music collection? First Green Day 7" when they were called "Sweet Children".

3. What do you eat when you raid the fridge at night? toast with cheez whiz

4. What is your secret guaranteed weeping film? movies never make me cry. gummo.

5. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done? my tits... then after a couple of days i'd get them removed. would my pecs be all saggy baggy?

6. Do you have a completely irrational fear? a few...

7. What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments? uhm.... smelling my hands?

8. Do you ever have to beg? if you have to beg for it, it's not worth having.

9. Do you have too many love interests? no.

11. Describe your bed: hell

13. Who should play you in a movie about your life? ruben studdard

14. Do you know how to play poker? sure

15. What do you carry with you at all times? testicles

16. How do you drive? shotgun

17. What do you miss most about being little? living in the 'hood

18. Are you happy with your given name? not overly, but it's fine.

19. What color is your bedroom? clear

20. What was the last band you were listening to? converge

21. Have you ever been in a school play? i don't think so.

22. Have you ever been in love? yes

23. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself? when i want to

25. Do you think you're cute? have you seen me?

26. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person? when i want to be.

FAVORITE:
.day of the week.: saturday
.least favorite day.: monday
.flower: flour
.jello flavor.: red
.special skills/talents.: i can blow bubbles made of spit off my tongue.
.shampoo: whatever she has on the side of the tub
.trampolines/swimming pools.: how are these to things related... i mean, really?

PERSON WHO LAST
.called you.: i'd have to go home and check the machine... maybe Tobias
.slept in your bed.: Jiggie
.saw you cry.: My pediatrician
.made you cry.: My pediatrician('s cold cold hands)
.went to the movies with you.: Jiggie
.you yelled at.: again
.sent you an e-mail.: Jake

HAVE YOU EVER
.said I Love You and meant it.: yes
.gone out in public in your pajamas.: cafe vienna doesn't warrant getting dressed for
.kept a secret from everyone.: i tell secrets, it makes people like me
.cried during a movie.: ok yes, but i was like fucking 5 and sammie the seal was really sad ok? the kid din't want to give back the fucking seal ok? IT WAS FUCKING SAD! WHAT ARE YOU, A ROCK?
.planned your week based on the TV Guide.: mmmmno
.been on stage: yes
.been to New York.: yes
.been to California.: yes
.Hawaii.: nope
.Mexico.: no
.China.: no
.Asia.: why couldn't they put Germany, Denmark, France and Britain on this list?
.South America.: NO.
.Australia.: I will someday I hope
.wished you were the opposite sex.: no
.what time is it now.: 9:42am
.apples or bananas.: bananas, which make Michael Catano uncomfortable
.blue or red.: either
.walmart or target.: walmart
.spring or fall.: spring because it leads to summer.
.what are you going to do after you type this.: cut my fingernails in Holly's room
.what was the last meal you ate.: turkey dinner at my momses
.are you bored.: not overly
.last noise you heard.: *click click click*

FRIENDSHIP/LOVE
.do you believe in love at first sight.: no
.do you want children someday.: yes
.most important thing to you in a friendship.: that they'll tell me secrets so I can tell other people and make fun of them for it, thus creating stronger bonds with other potential good friends to the point that they'll tell me secrets too.... lather, rinse, repeat.

LAYER ONE:
-- name: Gerald Mark Hubley
-- birthplace: Halifax Nova Scotia, Canada

-- current Location: An hard, uncomfortable wooden chair in front of Jiggie's busted computer
-- eye color: bluer than yours
-- hair color: blonde and yellow
-- height: 6'0
-- righty or lefty: right
-- zodiac sign: i'm not crazy like you, so if you ever meet me, don't ask me that you lunatic

LAYER TWO:
-- your heritage: gay man, skinny woman
-- the shoes you wore today: i just woke up, i haven't worn shoes yet silly
-- your weakness: booze
-- your fears: yeah, i'll tell everybody who is reading this my fears. i'm not an idiot.
-- your perfect pizza: green olives, feta, italian sausage
-- goal youd like to acheive: poop from the highest recorded height above the earth

LAYER THREE:
-- your most overused phrase on ICQ: got any tittie pics?
-- your thoughts first waking up: pizza
-- your bedtime: Around midnite these days
-- your most missed memory: I don't know

LAYER FOUR:
-- pepsi or coke: Coke
-- mcdonald's or bk: BK
-- single or group dates: group
-- adidas or nike: nike
-- lipton ice tea or nestea: neither
-- chocolate or vanilla: chocolate
-- cappuccino or coffee: coffee

LAYER FIVE:
-- smoke: quit
-- cuss: alot
-- sing: yell
-- take a shower everyday: nope
-- have a crush: nope
-- do you think you've been in love: yes
-- want to go to college: nope
-- like(d) high school: not the work part
-- want to get married: yes
-- get motion sickness: no
-- think you're attractive: have you seen me?
-- think you're a health freak: no which doesn't combine well with being a hypochondriac
-- get along with your parent(s): yes
-- play an instrument: mmmhmm

LAYER SIX:
in the past month...
-- drank alcohol: yep
-- smoked: yep
-- done a drug: no
-- made out: yes
-- gone on a date: yes
-- gone to the mall?: yes
-- eaten an entire box of oreos: no
-- eaten sushi: yea
-- been on stage: no
-- been dumped: no
-- gone skating: no
-- made homemade cookies: no
-- gone skinny dipping: no
-- dyed your hair: yes
-- stolen anything: yes


LAYER SEVEN:
ever...
-- played a game that required removal of clothing: nope
-- if so, was it mixed company: n/a
-- been trashed or extremely intoxicated: only once
-- been caught " doing something ": sure
-- been called a tease: i dont think so
-- gotten beaten up: only once
-- shoplifted: yes
-- changed who you were to fit in: no

LAYER EIGHT:
-- age you hope to be married: 30
-- numbers and names of children: Rosco, Murdoch, Riley, Koko, and Dog
-- describe your dream wedding: Ninjas, Lazers, Horses, Cowboys, Indians, International espionage, Dogs in Tuxedos, Kidnappings, Motorbikes, Parachutes, Cigars, Dance music, and a whole lot more
-- how do you want to die: In the arms of Chris Burke, TV's Corky
-- where you want to go to college: Wherever Chris Burke goes
-- what do you want to be when you grow up: A policeman, or whatever Mark Black is, or Chris Burke
-- what country would you most like to visit: Japan maybe

LAYER NINE:
in a guy/girl..
-- best eye color? Brown
-- best hair color? Blonde
-- short or long hair: Either
-- height: About my height
-- best weight: I mean, obviously i'm just gonna describe Holly...
-- best articles of clothing: The short things
-- best first date location: Uhm.... I forget?
-- best first kiss location: Nanny's house


LAYER TEN:
-- # of drugs taken illegally: All drugs are illegal, so like, a bunch
-- # of CDs that i own: about 300
-- # of piercings: 0
-- # of tattoos: 0
-- # of scars on my body: a bunch
-- # of things in my past that i regret: a bunch

"This was my favorite song when I was in grade four."

"What really?"

"Yeah."

"For real.... grade four."

"mmmhmmm"

"That means you liked punk music a good three years before me..... and you were eight."

"Yeah, I know."

Lets do point form!

+Seeing Kailyn on the swing ride today.
+Carnie's hitting on 14 year old sluts is funny
+Dog show
+Guitar player #1 learning quick
+Practicing with band this week
+Crashing cars with Bob last nite
+Car weekends
+Sneaking into the movies
+Kathleen saying "I have syphilis", followed by Jason saying "Well, I guess I do too..."
+FENWICK
+Sunny days with my girl

-Both of us almost passing out on the Spider
-Spicy food that makes my ass burn
-That baked potato
-Not being employed
-Not getting my E.I. info yet
-Being poorish
-the Vivian problem
-stomach pains

Also, they arrested that filthy, rotten motherfucker who did the evil fucking thing a few months ago. There are a lot of pluses and minuses that go along with that. Fuck I hate him. Die motherfucker.

Crazy.

It's funny when you just come on the computer when you are all drunk and fire off a bunch of random stuff and then wake up in the morning and are like "whoa.... I wrote all that?"

The only things I wrote last night that I stick by are the thing below and my contention that the Maron 5 are a really shitty horrible band.

Gerry Hubley is a cunt.

I really want my name to start registering on googlism.com. That thing is fun. Try it. Here are my favorites:

michael catano is 25 years old today
michael catano is a dickhead
michael catano is in that band

philip clark is a junior at the college
philip clark is a practicing numerologist with over 20 years of experience
philip clark is available
philip clark is a guest columnist
philip clark is that the prime minister was publicly musing about his own
philip clark is that he was publicly musing about his own career
philip clark is a writer
philip clark is a senior reporter at btob magazine
philip clark is a writer and composer whose music has been performed by the bbc symphony orchestra
philip clark is very good but i am yet to hear the start of his programme


mark black is one of four chefs whose hotels share membership in national trust historic hotels of america
mark black is an sas soldier on his final mission
mark black is the man and personal trainer who married these elements to create holistetics
mark black is a professor of bible at lipscomb university
mark black is the photo assignment editor at the daily herald
mark black is in the lead
mark black is available for private and group lessons
mark black is competing in his 11th beargrease
mark black is not the type to curse his luck
mark black is a friend of ours who was in town for twenty
mark black is an amazing host and he let me watch blaxploitation flicks at 2 am
mark black is a professor of bible at lipscomb university in nashville
mark black is
mark black is "the nabbinator played a little "rub
mark black is also here

holly sampson is an actress to watch for and should have had more to do
holly sampson is producer alan siritzky's latest emanuelle
holly sampson is absorbing holly naughty celebs
holly sampson is banging polished celebrity pictures
holly sampson is fucking girl and holly animals
holly sampson is spankimg very rare pornopartners nasty story
holly sampson is also frequently featured in the fun house

You're banging polished celebrity pictures? WHAT THE FUCK??? You're fucking girl and holly animals? You're spankimg very rare pornopartners nasty story? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN???

You bitch.

So I do a little googling and find out that this is Holly Sampson:



I think the resemblance is uncanny, don't you?

This is Frank Costanza.

"You think you could keep us out of Florida? We're moving in lock, stock and barrel. We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the clubhouse. We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court! And I dare you to keep me out!"

-Frank Costanza

Today the guy from that bar called me back.

And just like I suspected, it had nothing to do with the guy from the bar (who they tried to paint like the bad guy) trying to keep me down, it was all retarded politics of dickhead assholes trying to keep me down (some of whom I thought were friends).

But what you assholes don't realize is that the good guys in this city stick together, and no matter how much you try to convince yourself of it, you don't live in a "big city" and you aren't a "big shot" and you can't kick around "band members" and "bar runners" as much as you want and have them cater to you like you would be able to if you lived in a "sprawling metropolis".

You're just like me.

You're fucking nobody.

See you soon, loser.

Message left on HSPA answering machine after many of us abandoned the Karaoke mission:

M = Mike Day
E = Emily Brown

M - Hello?
E - Hello?
M - What?
E - Hello?
M - Uuuuhhh..... i dunno
E - Hello?
M - Hold on a second...
E - Okay...
M (background talking... sounds like Mike says "am I bob?")
E - What?
M - Uh, hello?
E - Hello?
M - Hi.
E - Hi.
M - Emily.
E - Yeah?
M - I couldn't hear for the longest time, it's so loud upstairs.
E (laughs)
M - I just wanted to call to express my hatred for all of you people who are in that house right now.
E - It's only me.
M - What?
E - It's only me.
M - I'm talking to you?
E - yeah...
M - yeah, I know
E - I said it's only me here...
M - What are you talking about?
E - Im the only one who's in this house right now.
M - Oh, well where's everybody else?
E - I dunno.
M - What?..... Huh?
Unidentified Third Party - Hello?
E - Hello?

Fin.