I can't sleep. This is my third night. I sleep until 11 pm, sometimes 1 am and feed Sabine and then that's it. After that I can't sleep, even though she falls asleep for at least 3 hours. I hate insomnia.

4:20 AM  

Everytime I wake up at 3 am to feed Sabine and change her diaper, I look at that damn empty spot in the bed and I start crying right away. Scott only left 2 days ago. I hope I get used to this.

It also doesn't help that I'm a complete failure. Didn't I read a bunch of articles and shit about new moms feeling guilty and inadequate and I said "no way man, not me."? Well I do. Mostly because breastfeeding didn't work for us. Sabine hated it at first cause I had no milk....she would bawl and snort in the hospital for the first few days. Some of the nurses were a great help with latching and others sucked at it. So it was 2 steps forward, SHIFT CHANGE, 5 steps back.

They made me give her formula when she was 24 hours old, but we kept trying and learning to latch. Sometimes she would do well and sometimes not...she was a lazy sucker...it took about 3 to 4 days for her to learn how to suck. In the meantime I pumped every 3 hours to stimulate my milk. It never came. I gave up. If I had kept pumping once I got home from the hospital maybe it would have worked...but by that time her latching skills got worse, not better. And she would get so mad as soon as I brought her close to my boob...I would cry and she would have to drink from the bottle anyway cause I had no milk. Or not enough milk. I had a bit of milk but I never became engorged or hard or leaked.

But then I can't help that nagging feeling that I didn't try hard enough. That I should have pumped more or latched her more (I went from doing it every few hours in the hospital to only 3 times or so in 24 hours because it was so fucking hard and she would get pissed or I would get pissed). Actually I know that I didn't try hard enough. It's like we both gave up. She liked the bottle and so did I. Except deep down I hate it. And right now I kinda hate myself for giving up so easily. I didn't think I would do that.

Where's the Love?
Maybe I'm just really tired and I have the baby blues but...most of the time I see Sabine and her needs as something to "get through" as oppossed to enjoy. I like it when she's awake and alert and looking at toys and my face, or when she's sleeping. That's about it. I am not filled with a flood of love. I felt more love for my grade 10 boyfriend.

I also read about this. But it's been 2 weeks. I worry about her. I like her. Most of the time. But that's the extent of my feelings for her. It seems to be all about business for me. I'm just wondering when I'm gonna care.

And so it is confirmed. I am a terrible person and a terrible "mother."

7:39 AM  


2:59 PM  

I think rectal pressure is a nice combo of words. Don't you?

Yesterday, Alyssa took me to Crystal Crescent Beach and I went swimming in the ocean. I walked in slowly cause I don't want my baby to have a friggin heart attack. I cupped my hands and poured the cold water over my belly to help us both adjust. She didn't give a shit. Really. Normally I would jump right in...freezing shocked limbs and all. My nipples were troopers. They went for it. People really like to stare at pregnant women. They stare a lot. Life fascinates people.

After we walked out the ocean everything sparkled sharp. Like I'd just done drugs.

10:34 AM  


6:39 PM  

I have a question. For the moms out there.

It's about my areolas.

Mine have gone from a sexy quarter sized, light pink to dark mottled brown (with new moles and freckles!!!) and have grown QUITE LARGE (ie: they take up my whole tit now, especially the one on the right). I realize this is for the baby and it helps her find the nipple or whatever. Maybe it'll help Tweedie find the nipple too. Who knows. Anyway...

I found an old pastie from my burlesque days in my suitcase while packing my washable nursing pads and my diapers. Put it up to my nipple.

All I can say is. Wow.

So, my question.

Are they gonna go back? I don't care about the actual nipple. I care about my areolas. Will they go back to quarter sized pink circles or what?


3:40 PM  

I am so uncomfortable. Being pregnant sucks.

-my back aches
-my hips ache and I can't sleep because of it
-my feet feel like I wear high heels all day and stand at a cash register except I'm SITTING
-my hands are swollen. my feet are swollen.
-I cannot breathe. Really...catching a breath is impossible.
-I am stiff if I sit for too long.
-my skin/belly feels so stretched and tight and 15 pounds between my legs.
-my legs hurt after walking for ohhhhh....3 minutes.

I want this to be over.

1:56 PM