12.30.2003
"You're really into getting wrapped up," said Dash. We were talking about the possibility that I might wrap myself in saran wrap, my head and everything for the performance show at Bella Muse and get someone to take me out to the end of the stage.
"Yes, I guess I do like to be wrapped up." Robin wrapped all the cheese cloth around me this summer.
"You should try mummification."
"Mummification?...ummmm, I don't know. I don't think I want to be mummified."
"Why not? You get wrapped up in saran wrap and then your lover cuts little parts out like around your nipple and teases you, and you can't move."
"That is so hot."
"I have a bunch of saran wrap you can have. It's pink."
Ten minutes later while he was putting on his boots he said, "Claudette, you really need to find a kinky man."
"I agree, he also has to be good looking. Basically all the kinky, good looking men I know are MY FRIENDS."
11:46 PM
The day started early. I had lentils and rice at the Med with my friend then we got stoned. Well, first I bought Dorothy from the McFarlane’s Monsters series, ‘Twisted Land of Oz” from Warren’s ‘All Good’s’ store in the South End. She’s wearing really cool metallic boots and black bikini underwear and her tank top is pulled off her tits and she has a belt over her nipples and she’s wearing a blindfold. Her hands are tied behind her back and these two ugly trolls are leading her on a rope. Apparently in the Wal-Mart version she’s wearing a black dress.
At around three in the afternoon Stacy and I poured a bottle of wine in a jug and walked around with her dog Stephen. We went to the bowl because we thought some people might be doing interesting tricks. We were wrong, so we left.
Then we went to Philip’s potluck thing and drank some more beer and ate food. I brought Philip some fireball and he got drunk AGAIN. We walked to Nancea’s and drank more. Then Philip, Stacy, Finn and I crashed a party. Holy fucking moly. Oh first Philip grabbed a free Christmas tree off the street and dumped it in the middle of the party. He almost brought the bag of dog shit.
First off. He has eels. I guess one of the party favorites is to feed the eel. So the host brought a wriggling mouse to the tank. It swam around and around. And everyone was gathered around. Oh boy, I said. The eel ate the mouse. Philip and I gossiped for a bit and he was shocked. Then Philip showed me the corner of the room and there was a table full of smoked salmon and vegetables and great cheese and deep fried shrimp. We stuffed our faces for a bit. Philip said “We can’t tell anyone about this. We’re gonna eat all the salmon.” We went and got Stacy and the three of us stuffed our faces.
Oh jesus. I just had to leave the house for an hour. Stacy called me and she was screaming. “YOU FORGOT TO LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR!! AND THE WIND BLEW THE DOOR OPEN AND STEPHEN GOT OUT. GET ON YOUR FUCKING BIKE AND GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!!”
We found Stephen but Stacy told me later that if Stephen had been killed she would have hated me for the rest of my life or for two weeks.
So, back to the party. Tobin wanted to play games. Oh boy, I said. The last time I played one of Tobin’s games was at the Bondage Ball. It was just a dare game and we weren’t allowed to refuse the dare. The game started and ended with me. Dash dared me to freak out and scream and throw my glass and then fall off my chair screaming and then fall silent. So, while everyone was seated around the table discussing whether or not we actually wanted to play this dare, I glanced behind me to see if there was anyone there and started throwing all of the glasses and the ashtray behind me. Smash, smash, smash. And screaming as loud as I could. I fell backwards off my chair, still screaming and fell silent. The guy who organized the Bondage Ball ran over. He thought I’d been killed. Later he asked me if I wanted to be in a show at the next Bondage Ball.
Anyway, so I was little worried about this next game. But it just ended up being tug of war. At the last minute I switched sides because our side had 13 people and the other side only had 9. There was no way I was winning on default or because of CHEATING. Our side won. Both times. Philip had an incident which he may or may not tell you about. I wish people would stop making assumptions.
The ride home was basically us being very drunk and lying in the middle of the road and crashing the bike and wrestling each other on the streets. We got some booze from someone who makes booze and went back to Bella Muse. We threw beer all over the place and the boys made a ramp up to the crash mat and kept driving the bike into it. I had a nice chat with the boy from Montreal. And made out with my friend behind the crash mat. Then we started laughing. “Oh well, we tried,” he said and we wrestled on the crash mat and I fell off.
By 5:30 in the morning I was really quite tired of it all. So I left with one of the bottles, near empty and walked home swinging it.
And then today I saw a book on a table at the Bella Muse called the book of answers. So I asked it about this crush I have on a guy and opened the page. It said “Don’t be ridiculous.” Isn’t that TERRIBLE?
8:18 PM
You don't understand me at all do you?
I'm leaving this whole mess behind me.
5:31 AM
12.27.2003
I'm sorry. I've had a bad night. It started off well. And then someone forced me to dance. Instructed me on where to put my hips and where to place my legs. And someone kissed me and it hurt. Cause white heels and fishnets are more interesting.
When it all comes down to it. Ten minutes later.
4:33 AM
deleted. because I said so.
4:08 AM
12.24.2003
Finn is back from Bermuda. He just dropped by and I missed him. I seriously adore that man so much it's practically insane. I miss you Finn and I'm glad you're home.
4:56 PM
I had so much running through my head at the party. I had all these things to say but I forget half of them. I did the laundry at Stacy’s house. We watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre from 1072 or whenever. It was ok. Boy it was really dark and there was lots of screaming. “Oh look they have an in-VALid.” “Isn’t it nice that the IN-VALid has some NORmal friends?” “Oh you mean, VALid friends.”
“yes, that’s so nice.” And then later on when all his friends were laughing and carrying on in the abandoned house. “Why do they always have to make the wheelchair guy act like an hysterical child. He’s needy and he can’t control his temper.”
4:44 PM
12.23.2003
I have strep throat. My life is now ending. I'm going to lay on the couch all day and read the book I bought my mother for Christmas. It's called 'Barney's Version' by Mordecai Richler. There's 417 pages so I don't think I can read it all in one day although I could probably get half done by 9 or so, including all the times I stop to doze and watch 'General Hospital.' And I have to get to the doctor too. I figure when she opens it on Christmas, I'll just slip away with it while she cooks the turkey.
12:25 PM
12.22.2003
I can no longer distinguish instinct from analysis. My mind has eaten my gut. It's hiding under my mattress and I’m trying to coax it out with a hamburger or something. And whatever is hiding under the mattress says “Can’t you see! You’re an idiot!” and then spits bits of hamburger into a teacup. But then I’m not quite sure what I’m an idiot about. And doubt is the instinct itself. Isn't it?
1:53 AM
12.21.2003
Yesterday. I thought I was going to die. Friday night was my staff party. I took two dates, Stacy and Phil. When I introduced them I said “Look, aren’t my dates hot?” We took the spot at the back. The only people I talked to at work were the ones who came to me. I don’t mingle. It was an open bar so in a very short time I was loaded. And then Philip says, “Let’s do B-52’s!” My nipples pop up everytime I do a shot.
And then we started taking pictures of my tits. One of them looked like a yam. So I took the digital camera to the bathroom with my office mate and we took a bunch of dirty pictures. Better lighting, more privacy. We left the party and went to Gerry’s party. By this time I’d had a few gins, coronos and B-52’s. We drank the wine I won at the Christmas Party. It was all lots of fun. Except I didn’t get any sleep because I slept next to someone who whined and farted all night. And the farts smelled like chips and dip, hence the reason I was going to die yesterday. Not only did I have to get up early but I HAD TO GO TO THE DENTIST. Please go ahead and feel sorry for me (or the dentist or whatever). But it was horrible. When I got in the car my dad said “Open the window I don’t want to get drunk off you.” I went straight to the dentist and like always I got worried as hell. “Well, your front tooth moves a little more than it should. Do you clench?” Yes, I clench, can’t you see I’m stressed out.
Then I had to go to a friends of the family Christmas party. The daughter of the friends of the family is a friend from my childhood. We used to turn her bedroom floor into a Barbie castle, floppy cardbaord walls. Anyway, now she has a kid. Jessica is very cute. My mom’s other friend Jenny who was in my mom’s wedding (that’s how long they’ve known one another) is about to be a grandmother. My mother always talks about her seven year old niece (almost like she’s a granddaughter). You get the picture. I am starting to feel very guilty. All of my mom’s friends are grandparents or about to be. Jenny, who once told me my butt was getting larger, leaned in and said, “So Claudette do you have someone in your life yet?”
OH MY GOD DIE DIE DIE. “I have lots of someone’s.”
“No, I mean someone special,”
“Everyone is special to me.”
“Well, you know. The biological clock is ticking.” Thank god my mother jumped in and told Jenny I’m not allowed to have kids until my early 30s anyway. Which is true. Mom’s been telling me that since I was a kid.
Do you understand why I felt like I was going to die?
1:12 PM
12.17.2003
Lately, I have been very saucy. It reminds me of the time I went out with my friend Christine like 5 years ago. She really needed to get home because she had to have the car back for her father and get home to HER CHILD.
I was being such a brat. Plus I was drunk. Christine was stressed out and telling me to hurry up, which made me behave even brattier. And I wanted a hotdog. So she's waiting in the cab and I'm waiting in line for the Dawg Father to serve me up a big fattie. I think she was yelling at me out the window. It probably took like 4 minutes. Anyway, I got in the cab and Christine started bitching at me. (I'm sorry Chris but you were bitchin'. I deserved it but still.) She's saying "Oh you had to get a hot dog. You just had to have a hot dog. blah blah blah."
So, I reached around front and dropped my hot dog on her lap. Plop.
I don't really remember what happened next. But I think it was a deep silence.
I'm pretty sure I didn't get a drive home and I may have been ditched somewhere in Halifax
You will all soon see a new Claudette. Starting Friday.
4:37 PM
12.15.2003
KATY!!!!! NATTY!!!!!AND SHELLYYYYYYYYYYY!!! Gimme a fucking ring. 444-9537.
4:21 PM
This morning I got to work and my jeans were so soaked and my hands were frozen cause I lost my mittens. I didn't want to take off my tall tall boots so we shut the door and I laid on the floor and Jenn pulled and tugged and wiggled my jeans off and over my boots.
I bet you wish it was you takin 'em off.
The roof at CBC is leaking. For some reason I find that incredibly funny. SOMEBODY RESCUE ME!
I also had this message in my inbox from Amelia.
oh claudetta, how long it's been, and your loveliness out of my presence - oh, i can't stand it!!! <her hand flits backwards and lands perilously on her little white forehead> ooooh, the anguish of so many weeks without her, my sweet claudetta. to whom i am indebted for brashness and sixty dollars. for sex humour and the value of ten pennies. <she sighs, turns, and saunters away, with three twenty's taped to her bum as bait.>
2:25 PM
For three years Alex was my best friend. I was really fucked up when I moved to Toronto. I stopped sleeping and eating. Alex hitchhiked from Ottawa. We dragged the futon into the living room and fucked for the first time in a year. We overcooked the turkey, got drunk and dropped it on the floor. K__ spilled wax on his new gortex snowboard jacket.
-It hurts me when you cry, and he wiped tears from my cheek.
-It hurts me too, and we laughed and we cried.
-Come here. This is how my mother held me when I was a boy.
Suicide was our other friend. We talked about suicide a lot. We talked about the white room.
-Alex, I want to go to a white room. I want a white bed and white walls. I want white sheets. I want to lie in this bed. And I never want to leave.
I feel so black.
Alex was partying in Ottawa. I was in Toronto. I felt lonely. The only person I trusted was Alex. It sounds depressing, but it wasn’t. It was us and them.
-The subway is so tempting. Like Tolstoy’s Anna.
-Claudette.
-I don’t want a girlfriend who’s going to kill herself.
We played with drugs. We partied and danced. The first time I did ecstacy was with Alex and his new drug friend. He drove us to a cabin, in the woods, in Hull. My hands looked like cartoon bubbles. The hooked rug spun around and glowed. “She’s too high,” they whispered. Alex locked us in the bathroom. I told him everything. It only took three hours. We were in a heroin house. I saw a man climb the stairs carrying a shotgun. We hung out with people upstairs. Someone started talking about orgies. But it was sick and the men stared at me. Alex nudged my elbow. He took me downstairs.
“I should never have brought you here.” A blonde girl with pigtails named Barbie stared at Alex. Chantel tore out every kitchen drawer and threw them on the floor. She said where the fuck is my speed. She said the drawers ate her speed. Her boyfriend brushed his dick against my hand while I pat his rottweiler. I was confused. I couldn’t tell the truth from the lies. I was so cold sitting on the floor in a circle of people. I was shivering. It came from inside of me. When I placed my finger on Alex’s knee, my body flooded with heat.
What makes my girl
so sick and meaningful.
Beauty and sarcasm.
I thought i got it all.
Everything in Toronto fell apart. My childhood friend and roommate thought people were breaking in and putting AIDS in our food. I said that’s not probable. She said it was possible. She cried for one full week before the plane took her back home.
I told my boss I was very sick. I told my mom I was very sick.
I moved back to Halifax too. I stopped talking.
I know mental sickness. It’s like a hatchet in my back. It digs in.
She used to say to me
I forced myself to forget
The things I don’t remember
I’m happy, so it’s not as bad as it sounds
And she used to say to me
I want you to hold me tonight
I don’t dream,
But please wake me when I scream.
The doctor weighed me. She gave me Zoloft. She said this is the drug for suicidal people. She said you will have to take this for the rest of your life.
It scares me baby, because I know you and you know me and I know you.
Alex and I spent a week together in Shediac with his mother. His mother and I talked about his scent and how much we missed it. Alex and I smoked hash in the playground. We fucked on the beach. We buried his mother’s cat. We dug for clams.
“Everytime I try to kiss you, your head turns into a giant toy I played with as a child. You know the ball type toys made of plastic that are red and blue and yellow. And there’s plastic shaped triangles and squares and you put them in the right holes. That’s what happens to your head. If I don’t stop laughing I’m going to pee my pants.”
When I moved to Ottawa it started out fine. You met me at the train station with blue hair and a rose. I climbed all over you and you called me monkey.
Then it became a living hell.
You found out I was still emailing him. I imagined you fucking Sophie on our bedroom floor. She came over and I offered her a beer. You ripped up a book, you threw my clothes. You told me to get the fuck out. I called a friend. While she was waiting for me in the doorway, you stood on the stairs. “Claudette,” you whispered, “please don’t leave me.”
We watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. We laughed so hard I can barely remember it.
-Take off your shirt. I want to hold your breast while we watch the movie.
-Ok.
Alex was so skinny when he moved to Halifax. I tried so hard. I asked for help in my own way. But then, I remembered people wouldn’t understand. So I spelled it out for them. I asked strangers for help. I asked my mom. I asked his friends. I got lots of advice but I didn’t get any help.
I felt so tired. My brain was swelling.
Wicket: Hatch. Miner carried a man’s soul for a very long time.
Hatch: forever, Wicket?
Wicket: when a crow carries a fallen soul for too long, Hatch, the crow’s soul must also be carried.
Hatch: I don’t understand, Wicket. What happened to him?
Wicket: I don’t really know, Hatch. He lies still, somewhere at the wicked edge of the sky.
*
Alex found some letters. Letters I carefully hid away in a drawer. He followed me around the house. He read these love letters out loud. Taunting me with the truth of my own lies.
I locked myself in the spare room. He stood outside and kept reading the letters. I kicked the door until there was a hole. When I came back home the letters were ripped up and spread over my bedroom floor. There was blood all over them. He wrote a suicide note on my mirror in lipstick. “I even took pictures,” he said and sneered. I was afraid so I took pictures too.
The cop left and Alex fell asleep on the couch. I watched him all night.
Have you ever walked down the path of hell with someone you love? I feared Alex’s death so much it became an obsession. Have you ever believed someone’s threats when it seemed like no one else did? Believed them because you knew those same threats so well. It was a mind fucking bloody black hell.
Who decides which one will survive? Who’s bluffing? Who’s stronger?
Queen: is this the edge of the sky, Miner? you are here. and I am here with you.
Michael: tell me this.
Queen: yes Miner.
Michael: how do you carry your fear, if it should take hold of you.
Queen: i would put it at the back of my mind.
Michael: and in the things you carry, would you notice its weight?
Queen: i suppose i might. if it were a bad fear.
*
*Play parts from 'the crows', written by Amelia Curran
*Disclaimer. Please don't worry. I'm actually really happy right now. This is just a piece of writing. I didn't write it for people to get worried. I wrote it for me.
1:25 PM
12.12.2003
OH EVERYBODY!! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
10:59 PM
12.11.2003
The best part of the day was lunch hour at ‘The Engine Room.’ I had a smoke in this rectangular video lottery machine room. A woman came and sat next to me. She was wearing a jean hat with Scooby-doo embroidered on the back.
She leaned in and whispered. “Do you know anyone who wants to buy a laptop?”
“Ummm, I don’t think so.”
And then her friend came over and started talking VLT lingo. Something about 84 points and cashing out at 140 bucks. I don’t know, it was hard to hear him. I’m trying to be a nicer person so I said “Oh well that’s good.”
“No it isn’t.”
“Oh.” Smile.
The country is feeerrrightening.
________________________________
Drinking beer with my friend Stacy. Perspective.
“There’s a lot of people who think I’m really nice and all,” I said. “Oh that Claudette, she’s nice and she smiles. But I’m not. I’m not sweet at all.”
“Clo-debt,” said Stacy. “Who thinks you’re nice?”
I looked at her. “Ummm, well, new people. You know people who just meet me.”
Stacy raises her eyebrows.
“Like WHO?!”
“OK FINE, You’re right!”
“I know.”
“Thanks.”
1:47 PM
12.07.2003
Ok. I got home last night. I took off my sneakers and my socks. And my fucking TOENAIL WAS SEVERED! Half of my toenail was ripped off and it was bleeding all over the place! When the fuck did that happen? I looked at my toenail. Should I take care of this? Should I WASH it or something? And everything felt really matter of fact. For the first time in days I was able to make a decision. I went to bed.
And then I dreamed that Philip’s roommate was in a play for kids. There were only four kids there and they were spread out, they weren’t even sitting beside one another. And Philip’s roommate arrived on a chariot drawn by black bears. It was like the theatre’s transportation service for the stars.
I went to my friend’s and watched a Spanish movie and the dog kept sniffing my bloody toe cause to me it seems dumb to buy 40 band-aids when you only need one.
1:08 AM
12.04.2003
Dear____,
I’m moving to London. You will never see me again. I want to fuck you.
Love Claudette
5:53 PM
12.03.2003
Ohhhhhhh. I just found mouse shit in the bowl that's been sitting on my desk for two weeks.
Aaaaand don't wear 4 day worn pants without a belt and no underwear. You'll regret it.
4:38 PM
12.01.2003
I got home and there was a message from Alex's mom. I'm not ready. When I am confronted with it. I fall apart. I'm better at pretending it didn't happen because when I think about it I fall apart. And then I have to remember that I really do have to keep going. That there is no way in hell I could ever check myself into that white room, with the window, and the white sheets and the white fucking everything.
11:55 PM
The woman in the bed next to hers said, “She checked herself out. The nurse was some mad.”
Kenova and I went back to his place.
“She’s gone to get high. This fucking sucks.”
I have seen her standing on the corner. Sometimes she only has on one shoe. Her hair is greasy and matted. There are marks all over her skin. She garbles about sucking a thousand cocks. She screams and laughs at cars. “Does anybody have a fucking smoke?” I have watched her breasts shrink into her sides. I wonder if she sold her leather jacket. Her best friend bought her bmx from the person who bought it. “When she stops being a crack whore, she can have it back.” I have yelled her name and she keeps walking. I have seen her hide from us.
We spent the next three hours breaking his apartment. I scooped out the cupboards and passed out glasses. One for you, one for me. We sat on the couch and threw glasses and beer bottles and wine bottles into the kitchen. They smashed and shattered against the sink, the window, the floor. One of the wine bottles wouldn’t break, finally Kenova took it over to the stove and smashed it against the side.
2:58 PM
"You're really into getting wrapped up," said Dash. We were talking about the possibility that I might wrap myself in saran wrap, my head and everything for the performance show at Bella Muse and get someone to take me out to the end of the stage.
"Yes, I guess I do like to be wrapped up." Robin wrapped all the cheese cloth around me this summer.
"You should try mummification."
"Mummification?...ummmm, I don't know. I don't think I want to be mummified."
"Why not? You get wrapped up in saran wrap and then your lover cuts little parts out like around your nipple and teases you, and you can't move."
"That is so hot."
"I have a bunch of saran wrap you can have. It's pink."
Ten minutes later while he was putting on his boots he said, "Claudette, you really need to find a kinky man."
"I agree, he also has to be good looking. Basically all the kinky, good looking men I know are MY FRIENDS."
11:46 PM
The day started early. I had lentils and rice at the Med with my friend then we got stoned. Well, first I bought Dorothy from the McFarlane’s Monsters series, ‘Twisted Land of Oz” from Warren’s ‘All Good’s’ store in the South End. She’s wearing really cool metallic boots and black bikini underwear and her tank top is pulled off her tits and she has a belt over her nipples and she’s wearing a blindfold. Her hands are tied behind her back and these two ugly trolls are leading her on a rope. Apparently in the Wal-Mart version she’s wearing a black dress.
At around three in the afternoon Stacy and I poured a bottle of wine in a jug and walked around with her dog Stephen. We went to the bowl because we thought some people might be doing interesting tricks. We were wrong, so we left.
Then we went to Philip’s potluck thing and drank some more beer and ate food. I brought Philip some fireball and he got drunk AGAIN. We walked to Nancea’s and drank more. Then Philip, Stacy, Finn and I crashed a party. Holy fucking moly. Oh first Philip grabbed a free Christmas tree off the street and dumped it in the middle of the party. He almost brought the bag of dog shit.
First off. He has eels. I guess one of the party favorites is to feed the eel. So the host brought a wriggling mouse to the tank. It swam around and around. And everyone was gathered around. Oh boy, I said. The eel ate the mouse. Philip and I gossiped for a bit and he was shocked. Then Philip showed me the corner of the room and there was a table full of smoked salmon and vegetables and great cheese and deep fried shrimp. We stuffed our faces for a bit. Philip said “We can’t tell anyone about this. We’re gonna eat all the salmon.” We went and got Stacy and the three of us stuffed our faces.
Oh jesus. I just had to leave the house for an hour. Stacy called me and she was screaming. “YOU FORGOT TO LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR!! AND THE WIND BLEW THE DOOR OPEN AND STEPHEN GOT OUT. GET ON YOUR FUCKING BIKE AND GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!!”
We found Stephen but Stacy told me later that if Stephen had been killed she would have hated me for the rest of my life or for two weeks.
So, back to the party. Tobin wanted to play games. Oh boy, I said. The last time I played one of Tobin’s games was at the Bondage Ball. It was just a dare game and we weren’t allowed to refuse the dare. The game started and ended with me. Dash dared me to freak out and scream and throw my glass and then fall off my chair screaming and then fall silent. So, while everyone was seated around the table discussing whether or not we actually wanted to play this dare, I glanced behind me to see if there was anyone there and started throwing all of the glasses and the ashtray behind me. Smash, smash, smash. And screaming as loud as I could. I fell backwards off my chair, still screaming and fell silent. The guy who organized the Bondage Ball ran over. He thought I’d been killed. Later he asked me if I wanted to be in a show at the next Bondage Ball.
Anyway, so I was little worried about this next game. But it just ended up being tug of war. At the last minute I switched sides because our side had 13 people and the other side only had 9. There was no way I was winning on default or because of CHEATING. Our side won. Both times. Philip had an incident which he may or may not tell you about. I wish people would stop making assumptions.
The ride home was basically us being very drunk and lying in the middle of the road and crashing the bike and wrestling each other on the streets. We got some booze from someone who makes booze and went back to Bella Muse. We threw beer all over the place and the boys made a ramp up to the crash mat and kept driving the bike into it. I had a nice chat with the boy from Montreal. And made out with my friend behind the crash mat. Then we started laughing. “Oh well, we tried,” he said and we wrestled on the crash mat and I fell off.
By 5:30 in the morning I was really quite tired of it all. So I left with one of the bottles, near empty and walked home swinging it.
And then today I saw a book on a table at the Bella Muse called the book of answers. So I asked it about this crush I have on a guy and opened the page. It said “Don’t be ridiculous.” Isn’t that TERRIBLE?
8:18 PM
You don't understand me at all do you?
I'm leaving this whole mess behind me.
5:31 AM
12.27.2003
I'm sorry. I've had a bad night. It started off well. And then someone forced me to dance. Instructed me on where to put my hips and where to place my legs. And someone kissed me and it hurt. Cause white heels and fishnets are more interesting.
When it all comes down to it. Ten minutes later.
4:33 AM
deleted. because I said so.
4:08 AM
12.24.2003
Finn is back from Bermuda. He just dropped by and I missed him. I seriously adore that man so much it's practically insane. I miss you Finn and I'm glad you're home.
4:56 PM
I had so much running through my head at the party. I had all these things to say but I forget half of them. I did the laundry at Stacy’s house. We watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre from 1072 or whenever. It was ok. Boy it was really dark and there was lots of screaming. “Oh look they have an in-VALid.” “Isn’t it nice that the IN-VALid has some NORmal friends?” “Oh you mean, VALid friends.”
“yes, that’s so nice.” And then later on when all his friends were laughing and carrying on in the abandoned house. “Why do they always have to make the wheelchair guy act like an hysterical child. He’s needy and he can’t control his temper.”
4:44 PM
12.23.2003
I have strep throat. My life is now ending. I'm going to lay on the couch all day and read the book I bought my mother for Christmas. It's called 'Barney's Version' by Mordecai Richler. There's 417 pages so I don't think I can read it all in one day although I could probably get half done by 9 or so, including all the times I stop to doze and watch 'General Hospital.' And I have to get to the doctor too. I figure when she opens it on Christmas, I'll just slip away with it while she cooks the turkey.
12:25 PM
12.22.2003
I can no longer distinguish instinct from analysis. My mind has eaten my gut. It's hiding under my mattress and I’m trying to coax it out with a hamburger or something. And whatever is hiding under the mattress says “Can’t you see! You’re an idiot!” and then spits bits of hamburger into a teacup. But then I’m not quite sure what I’m an idiot about. And doubt is the instinct itself. Isn't it?
1:53 AM
12.21.2003
Yesterday. I thought I was going to die. Friday night was my staff party. I took two dates, Stacy and Phil. When I introduced them I said “Look, aren’t my dates hot?” We took the spot at the back. The only people I talked to at work were the ones who came to me. I don’t mingle. It was an open bar so in a very short time I was loaded. And then Philip says, “Let’s do B-52’s!” My nipples pop up everytime I do a shot.
And then we started taking pictures of my tits. One of them looked like a yam. So I took the digital camera to the bathroom with my office mate and we took a bunch of dirty pictures. Better lighting, more privacy. We left the party and went to Gerry’s party. By this time I’d had a few gins, coronos and B-52’s. We drank the wine I won at the Christmas Party. It was all lots of fun. Except I didn’t get any sleep because I slept next to someone who whined and farted all night. And the farts smelled like chips and dip, hence the reason I was going to die yesterday. Not only did I have to get up early but I HAD TO GO TO THE DENTIST. Please go ahead and feel sorry for me (or the dentist or whatever). But it was horrible. When I got in the car my dad said “Open the window I don’t want to get drunk off you.” I went straight to the dentist and like always I got worried as hell. “Well, your front tooth moves a little more than it should. Do you clench?” Yes, I clench, can’t you see I’m stressed out.
Then I had to go to a friends of the family Christmas party. The daughter of the friends of the family is a friend from my childhood. We used to turn her bedroom floor into a Barbie castle, floppy cardbaord walls. Anyway, now she has a kid. Jessica is very cute. My mom’s other friend Jenny who was in my mom’s wedding (that’s how long they’ve known one another) is about to be a grandmother. My mother always talks about her seven year old niece (almost like she’s a granddaughter). You get the picture. I am starting to feel very guilty. All of my mom’s friends are grandparents or about to be. Jenny, who once told me my butt was getting larger, leaned in and said, “So Claudette do you have someone in your life yet?”
OH MY GOD DIE DIE DIE. “I have lots of someone’s.”
“No, I mean someone special,”
“Everyone is special to me.”
“Well, you know. The biological clock is ticking.” Thank god my mother jumped in and told Jenny I’m not allowed to have kids until my early 30s anyway. Which is true. Mom’s been telling me that since I was a kid.
Do you understand why I felt like I was going to die?
1:12 PM
12.17.2003
Lately, I have been very saucy. It reminds me of the time I went out with my friend Christine like 5 years ago. She really needed to get home because she had to have the car back for her father and get home to HER CHILD.
I was being such a brat. Plus I was drunk. Christine was stressed out and telling me to hurry up, which made me behave even brattier. And I wanted a hotdog. So she's waiting in the cab and I'm waiting in line for the Dawg Father to serve me up a big fattie. I think she was yelling at me out the window. It probably took like 4 minutes. Anyway, I got in the cab and Christine started bitching at me. (I'm sorry Chris but you were bitchin'. I deserved it but still.) She's saying "Oh you had to get a hot dog. You just had to have a hot dog. blah blah blah."
So, I reached around front and dropped my hot dog on her lap. Plop.
I don't really remember what happened next. But I think it was a deep silence.
I'm pretty sure I didn't get a drive home and I may have been ditched somewhere in Halifax
You will all soon see a new Claudette. Starting Friday.
4:37 PM
12.15.2003
KATY!!!!! NATTY!!!!!AND SHELLYYYYYYYYYYY!!! Gimme a fucking ring. 444-9537.
4:21 PM
This morning I got to work and my jeans were so soaked and my hands were frozen cause I lost my mittens. I didn't want to take off my tall tall boots so we shut the door and I laid on the floor and Jenn pulled and tugged and wiggled my jeans off and over my boots.
I bet you wish it was you takin 'em off.
The roof at CBC is leaking. For some reason I find that incredibly funny. SOMEBODY RESCUE ME!
I also had this message in my inbox from Amelia.
oh claudetta, how long it's been, and your loveliness out of my presence - oh, i can't stand it!!! <her hand flits backwards and lands perilously on her little white forehead> ooooh, the anguish of so many weeks without her, my sweet claudetta. to whom i am indebted for brashness and sixty dollars. for sex humour and the value of ten pennies. <she sighs, turns, and saunters away, with three twenty's taped to her bum as bait.>
2:25 PM
For three years Alex was my best friend. I was really fucked up when I moved to Toronto. I stopped sleeping and eating. Alex hitchhiked from Ottawa. We dragged the futon into the living room and fucked for the first time in a year. We overcooked the turkey, got drunk and dropped it on the floor. K__ spilled wax on his new gortex snowboard jacket.
-It hurts me when you cry, and he wiped tears from my cheek.
-It hurts me too, and we laughed and we cried.
-Come here. This is how my mother held me when I was a boy.
Suicide was our other friend. We talked about suicide a lot. We talked about the white room.
-Alex, I want to go to a white room. I want a white bed and white walls. I want white sheets. I want to lie in this bed. And I never want to leave.
I feel so black.
Alex was partying in Ottawa. I was in Toronto. I felt lonely. The only person I trusted was Alex. It sounds depressing, but it wasn’t. It was us and them.
-The subway is so tempting. Like Tolstoy’s Anna.
-Claudette.
-I don’t want a girlfriend who’s going to kill herself.
We played with drugs. We partied and danced. The first time I did ecstacy was with Alex and his new drug friend. He drove us to a cabin, in the woods, in Hull. My hands looked like cartoon bubbles. The hooked rug spun around and glowed. “She’s too high,” they whispered. Alex locked us in the bathroom. I told him everything. It only took three hours. We were in a heroin house. I saw a man climb the stairs carrying a shotgun. We hung out with people upstairs. Someone started talking about orgies. But it was sick and the men stared at me. Alex nudged my elbow. He took me downstairs.
“I should never have brought you here.” A blonde girl with pigtails named Barbie stared at Alex. Chantel tore out every kitchen drawer and threw them on the floor. She said where the fuck is my speed. She said the drawers ate her speed. Her boyfriend brushed his dick against my hand while I pat his rottweiler. I was confused. I couldn’t tell the truth from the lies. I was so cold sitting on the floor in a circle of people. I was shivering. It came from inside of me. When I placed my finger on Alex’s knee, my body flooded with heat.
What makes my girl
so sick and meaningful.
Beauty and sarcasm.
I thought i got it all.
Everything in Toronto fell apart. My childhood friend and roommate thought people were breaking in and putting AIDS in our food. I said that’s not probable. She said it was possible. She cried for one full week before the plane took her back home.
I told my boss I was very sick. I told my mom I was very sick.
I moved back to Halifax too. I stopped talking.
I know mental sickness. It’s like a hatchet in my back. It digs in.
She used to say to me
I forced myself to forget
The things I don’t remember
I’m happy, so it’s not as bad as it sounds
And she used to say to me
I want you to hold me tonight
I don’t dream,
But please wake me when I scream.
The doctor weighed me. She gave me Zoloft. She said this is the drug for suicidal people. She said you will have to take this for the rest of your life.
It scares me baby, because I know you and you know me and I know you.
Alex and I spent a week together in Shediac with his mother. His mother and I talked about his scent and how much we missed it. Alex and I smoked hash in the playground. We fucked on the beach. We buried his mother’s cat. We dug for clams.
“Everytime I try to kiss you, your head turns into a giant toy I played with as a child. You know the ball type toys made of plastic that are red and blue and yellow. And there’s plastic shaped triangles and squares and you put them in the right holes. That’s what happens to your head. If I don’t stop laughing I’m going to pee my pants.”
When I moved to Ottawa it started out fine. You met me at the train station with blue hair and a rose. I climbed all over you and you called me monkey.
Then it became a living hell.
You found out I was still emailing him. I imagined you fucking Sophie on our bedroom floor. She came over and I offered her a beer. You ripped up a book, you threw my clothes. You told me to get the fuck out. I called a friend. While she was waiting for me in the doorway, you stood on the stairs. “Claudette,” you whispered, “please don’t leave me.”
We watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. We laughed so hard I can barely remember it.
-Take off your shirt. I want to hold your breast while we watch the movie.
-Ok.
Alex was so skinny when he moved to Halifax. I tried so hard. I asked for help in my own way. But then, I remembered people wouldn’t understand. So I spelled it out for them. I asked strangers for help. I asked my mom. I asked his friends. I got lots of advice but I didn’t get any help.
I felt so tired. My brain was swelling.
Wicket: Hatch. Miner carried a man’s soul for a very long time.
Hatch: forever, Wicket?
Wicket: when a crow carries a fallen soul for too long, Hatch, the crow’s soul must also be carried.
Hatch: I don’t understand, Wicket. What happened to him?
Wicket: I don’t really know, Hatch. He lies still, somewhere at the wicked edge of the sky.
*
Alex found some letters. Letters I carefully hid away in a drawer. He followed me around the house. He read these love letters out loud. Taunting me with the truth of my own lies.
I locked myself in the spare room. He stood outside and kept reading the letters. I kicked the door until there was a hole. When I came back home the letters were ripped up and spread over my bedroom floor. There was blood all over them. He wrote a suicide note on my mirror in lipstick. “I even took pictures,” he said and sneered. I was afraid so I took pictures too.
The cop left and Alex fell asleep on the couch. I watched him all night.
Have you ever walked down the path of hell with someone you love? I feared Alex’s death so much it became an obsession. Have you ever believed someone’s threats when it seemed like no one else did? Believed them because you knew those same threats so well. It was a mind fucking bloody black hell.
Who decides which one will survive? Who’s bluffing? Who’s stronger?
Queen: is this the edge of the sky, Miner? you are here. and I am here with you.
Michael: tell me this.
Queen: yes Miner.
Michael: how do you carry your fear, if it should take hold of you.
Queen: i would put it at the back of my mind.
Michael: and in the things you carry, would you notice its weight?
Queen: i suppose i might. if it were a bad fear.
*
*Play parts from 'the crows', written by Amelia Curran
*Disclaimer. Please don't worry. I'm actually really happy right now. This is just a piece of writing. I didn't write it for people to get worried. I wrote it for me.
1:25 PM
12.12.2003
OH EVERYBODY!! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
10:59 PM
12.11.2003
The best part of the day was lunch hour at ‘The Engine Room.’ I had a smoke in this rectangular video lottery machine room. A woman came and sat next to me. She was wearing a jean hat with Scooby-doo embroidered on the back.
She leaned in and whispered. “Do you know anyone who wants to buy a laptop?”
“Ummm, I don’t think so.”
And then her friend came over and started talking VLT lingo. Something about 84 points and cashing out at 140 bucks. I don’t know, it was hard to hear him. I’m trying to be a nicer person so I said “Oh well that’s good.”
“No it isn’t.”
“Oh.” Smile.
The country is feeerrrightening.
________________________________
Drinking beer with my friend Stacy. Perspective.
“There’s a lot of people who think I’m really nice and all,” I said. “Oh that Claudette, she’s nice and she smiles. But I’m not. I’m not sweet at all.”
“Clo-debt,” said Stacy. “Who thinks you’re nice?”
I looked at her. “Ummm, well, new people. You know people who just meet me.”
Stacy raises her eyebrows.
“Like WHO?!”
“OK FINE, You’re right!”
“I know.”
“Thanks.”
1:47 PM
12.07.2003
Ok. I got home last night. I took off my sneakers and my socks. And my fucking TOENAIL WAS SEVERED! Half of my toenail was ripped off and it was bleeding all over the place! When the fuck did that happen? I looked at my toenail. Should I take care of this? Should I WASH it or something? And everything felt really matter of fact. For the first time in days I was able to make a decision. I went to bed.
And then I dreamed that Philip’s roommate was in a play for kids. There were only four kids there and they were spread out, they weren’t even sitting beside one another. And Philip’s roommate arrived on a chariot drawn by black bears. It was like the theatre’s transportation service for the stars.
I went to my friend’s and watched a Spanish movie and the dog kept sniffing my bloody toe cause to me it seems dumb to buy 40 band-aids when you only need one.
1:08 AM
12.04.2003
Dear____,
I’m moving to London. You will never see me again. I want to fuck you.
Love Claudette
5:53 PM
12.03.2003
Ohhhhhhh. I just found mouse shit in the bowl that's been sitting on my desk for two weeks.
Aaaaand don't wear 4 day worn pants without a belt and no underwear. You'll regret it.
4:38 PM
12.01.2003
I got home and there was a message from Alex's mom. I'm not ready. When I am confronted with it. I fall apart. I'm better at pretending it didn't happen because when I think about it I fall apart. And then I have to remember that I really do have to keep going. That there is no way in hell I could ever check myself into that white room, with the window, and the white sheets and the white fucking everything.
11:55 PM
The woman in the bed next to hers said, “She checked herself out. The nurse was some mad.”
Kenova and I went back to his place.
“She’s gone to get high. This fucking sucks.”
I have seen her standing on the corner. Sometimes she only has on one shoe. Her hair is greasy and matted. There are marks all over her skin. She garbles about sucking a thousand cocks. She screams and laughs at cars. “Does anybody have a fucking smoke?” I have watched her breasts shrink into her sides. I wonder if she sold her leather jacket. Her best friend bought her bmx from the person who bought it. “When she stops being a crack whore, she can have it back.” I have yelled her name and she keeps walking. I have seen her hide from us.
We spent the next three hours breaking his apartment. I scooped out the cupboards and passed out glasses. One for you, one for me. We sat on the couch and threw glasses and beer bottles and wine bottles into the kitchen. They smashed and shattered against the sink, the window, the floor. One of the wine bottles wouldn’t break, finally Kenova took it over to the stove and smashed it against the side.
2:58 PM
