“Did you really say all that to Sophie?”

No. No! Do I seem like the type of person who would be rude over the telephone?

Anyway. Check this out–

…I got widgets.

Yeah that’s a screenshot of my new G4 iBook. She came all the way from California before FedEx handed her off to Barney Transport, a New Brunswick delivery company. I tracked the item from Dieppe down to Saint John back up to Sussex, NB, as my laptop bounced around the province like a rectangular snow-white cueball.

And then Barney calls me up on his cellphone and says he’s in Cambridge-Narrows with my package in the back of a 53-foot trailer. Barney had never heard of Route 123. I told him I’d drive into the village to meet him. “You might get that rig down my dirt road, but good luck getting it out again.”

We met in Chipman in the parking lot of the Parts’N’Gear. This huge tractor-trailer taking up the whole lot, the big doors swing open and there are three little cardboard boxes saving it from emptiness. One of them being my new baby girl. Awww sweetie.

It’s minus twelve Celsius in Chipman on the first day of winter. My season is here finally. All those other seasons… that’s just pretend living. This is when it gets real in Canada. It’s time to see who’s who.

Are you one of those people who feels kind of depressed at this time of year? That doesn’t seem to happen to me. I love winter. If you’re feeling unhappy, you just phone me up, I’ll make you happy. And when spring arrives you can return the favour.

Oh send me an email because I lost a bunch of stuff when my old computer died. I possibly don’t have your address anymore, I possibly missed out on replying to a bunch of mail in December. If you’ve sent me nude pictures in the past, well, you’d better send some more.

So I have this fancy new computer but it turns out that some of my fancy old software won’t work on it? Uh oh. I’ll be recording the new A/V album on GarageBand maybe.

I’ve been jamming a lot while I didn’t have the Internet to distract me. There are a few A/V shows coming up that I should link up on the sidebar or something. I’m totally stuck on this new jam. It’s called “Sweater On A Dog.” It’s electro-sounding. I wrote the lyrics on Sunday and I’ve been writing them ever since.

What do you think of when you see a sweater on a dog? Maybe you can’t help thinking it looks kind of foolish. It’s a dog wearing a sweater with a picture of Snoopy on it. But then dogs need to be warm too, don’t they… It is minus 12 Celsius after all. But dogs have fur coats. Why would you wear a silly sweater when you already have a nice glossy fur coat. So “Sweater On A Dog” refers to something kind of silly that probably doesn’t need to exist. Like the lyrics to this song.

“Sweater On A Dog” by A/V.

Good, feeling good
Are you feeling good tonight
Good, feeling good
Are you feeling good tonight

Chorus: Are you fee-ling good tonight
Do you wanna get lucky
Are you fee-ling good tonight
Do you wanna get it on

I was talking to your sister
I told her that I missed her
She broke out in blisters
She’s feeling good tonight

I was talking to your mother
I told her that I loved her
But she prefers my brother
She’s feeling good tonight

I was talking to your daughter
I fucked her and forgot her
[HAHAHAHA ahhh, sorry]
She needs a drink of water, she’s feeling good tonight

…Anyway I can’t stop writing new verses for “Sweater On A Dog.”

I was talking to your auntie
I tried on her panties
The soup is in the pantry
She’s feeling good tonight

I was talking to Satan
I said what’s with all the hatin’
The butterflies are matin’
They’re feeling good tonight

So if you want to, suggest some verses for “Sweater On A Dog,” if there’s a funny one I’ll sing it at the show on Friday and you’ll get a songwriter credit.

Good, feeling good
Are you feeling good tonight

OK enough sweater on a dog. I also have some new songs that are really fucking serious.

…oh nonono wait
I was talking to Satan
I caught him masturbatin
He’s voting for Jack Layton
He’s feeling good toniiiight

I’m feeling good. Turns out in my absence I won the remix contest, thanks WATM!

I made a video today in honour of the solstice. Flicked on my videocamera and stepped outside at precisely 2:35PM Atlantic Standard Time, Wednesday, December 21, 2005. If I’d bothered looking through the viewfinder I might have realized there was dust all over my lens, but who cares, I’m just going to mangle the whole thing in iMovie anyway. The audio got smacked around a little bit in GarageBand.

Both applications included free with my free new computer.

swordfight-solstice.mov [4MB QuickTime]