During our trip to the States I went looking for a Mars Bar. But apparently they don’t have those in the US. I thought, that’s fine, I’ll just get a treat that I can’t get at home. So I picked out a chocolate bar called a “Milky Way.” Turns out a Milky Way is pretty much exactly the same as a Mars Bar. I was impressed. I almost kept the wrapper. But then I threw it away. Anyway, that’s how delicious this chocolate bar was, that it almost had me convinced a piece of garbage was something precious.

That’s what life on Earth is mostly like.

You might have noticed I have a thing for Mars. I was born on Earth but I know that deep down inside I have the soul of a Martian. I have a constant restless feeling here. Like, no matter where I go on Earth I never ever feel at home. I am indifferent about travel because it doesn’t really matter to me where I am. No matter where I go, I’m still on Earth.

Sometimes when I’m walking through the grocery store I freeze in one place with this weird paralysis and I can’t move and my legs start shaking and it feels like my bones are trying to burst right through my skin. I recognize this sensation as a primal urge to leave behind this earthly body and reclaim my ancient physical form as a Martian.

Someday I will return. I can’t wait.

I know where Amelia Earhart went. She went to Mars. I am building a time machine, a portal through the continuum, and I will follow her there very soon.

The moon is no sanctuary for me as the lunar surface has already been sullied by the footprints of Earthlings.

You might think I would also be offended by the presence of the little Mars Rover on my home planet, but no. When I return to the red soil I will greet this robot explorer warmly and I will fall on my knees and embrace him like a long lost little brother.

The atmosphere of Mars is 95% carbon dioxide so when I arrive I will be asphyxiated almost immediately. But those will be the happiest seconds of my life.

“Here it is! I can’t believe we’ve finally finished it. The gateway to the portal of infinity.”
“‘Gateway to the portal of infinity.’ Hmm. Yeah. Anyway, pretty sweet.”
“Aren’t you excited? This is an epic moment! We are about to step forth into history.”
“Oh yeah, I’m just saying, we might want to pick another name, is all.”
“What’s the matter? Are you nervous? Relax, man. We’ve tested everything. Nothing’s going to go wrong.”
“Ok, I’m fine, it’s just that… ‘gateway’ to the ‘portal,’ it’s just kind of redundant.”
“It’s one small step for humanity, and one giant leap two billion years in the past for a couple of dudes, is what it is. All the way to ancient Mars. Man, this is gonna be so awesome.”
“Also, technically speaking, two billion years isn’t really ‘infinity’ per se.”
“I like the name. Before we leave maybe we should put a sign beside the doorway that says ‘Gateway to the portal of infinity.’ So the janitor doesn’t walk through by mistake. Or should we just get a plaque? A plaque would be pretty rad.”
“So in other words… this here is the doorway to the gateway to the portal of infinity.”
“You better put on your helmet.”

~
In conclusion, listen to my all-time favourite track.
Fake Blood – Mars

American bathrooms should have signs over the urinals that read “Please put your bird away before texting.”

Except I didn’t watch my buddies die face down in the muck so some sign could tell me to put my bird away while using my iPhone. I’m going to stand right here in a McDonald’s bathroom with my bird hanging out and I will send a text message if I want to and if you don’t like it, too bad. Yep, just hanging out, enjoying my text message.

Hey guys I saw Sarah Palin in Bryant Park. She was standing on the merry-go-round with a couple of her crotch-fruit and getting her hair combed by a small Asian man:

I had trouble getting a decent picture because I had to fight my way to the front of this huge crowd.

soundtrack: Born To Lose by Johnny Thunders.

On highways in the USA, people like to throw stuff out their car windows. You don’t really see that in New Brunswick. Somebody threw a sandwich at us. We looked all around the car for something to throw back, but all we had was an iPod and we needed it.

We ditched the car in Connecticut and caught a train to NYC. The conductor kept up an amusing patter over the PA system: “This is the express, express express express. 125th Street Harlem and Grand Central Terminal. Happy birthday Arthur, and thanks again for coming out. Transfer ahead for Stamford and Da Bronx. That’s D-A, DA Bronx… You got that right.”

He sat down behind us and said, “Very very busy train today. Lots of newspapers. It’s a sign the economy is recovering… people are leaving their papers, not picking up old ones.”

We arrived at Grand Central just a few minutes before 11am, just in time for the Veterans Day ceremony. The entire ceremony took less than seven minutes. I guess those are New York minutes. Then we went outside for a walk just in time for a parade. We posted up outside the Empire Steak Building and watched the parade for a while. The US Marines marched by in their snappy uniforms and someone yelled, “Let’s hear it for the Marines!” and everyone cheered except for a little old lady who was pushing her walker up the sidewalk and saying “No right. No right to kill” over and over.

I emailed my brother and told him about the Veterans parade and said “I put on my Mountie uniform and marched up Fifth Avenue right behind the US Marines. People cheered and cheered!” He wrote back and said: “Funny thing about that story… When I went down to New York years ago, there was a huge gay pride parade happening in the city. I put on my Mountie uniform and marched right behind some marines. People cheered and cheered!”

We’re on Rivington just up the street from ABC No Rio where I played with my old hardcore band ten years ago. Best show of the tour as I recall. Dan, Trish and I ate a meat salad from St. Mark’s Place. It was mostly bacon, sausage and big chunks of turkey, with tomato and olives and roasted red pepper and balsamic dressing and there might have been a few little bits of onion and shredded lettuce in there too but mostly it was just the best salad I’ve ever had.

Dan and Trish have this suite for a couple nights, and somehow they got upgraded to a bigger one for less money hence the invitation for me to tag along. They described the place as “a bit worn, but nice” but to me it’s the swankiest place in the world. I don’t know much about hotels but this is nicer than any apartment I ever lived in. When I got out of the shower there was a monkey standing there waiting to hand me a towel. I could totally live like this.

I had a quick nap while Dan and Trish headed out to some bar. Five shots of anything for $10, anytime of day or night: it was about 7pm by the time we all met up again and those two were wasted. Vodka plus Kahlua plus Bailey’s makes a nice shooting sequence but I didn’t want to get drunk because I like to have my wits about me especially in a strange foreign place.

Dan and Trish conked out pretty early, so I went and walked around Manhattan for a couple hours. I met a pretty girl named Maureen and we hung out for a while outside a special party for a bunch of Germans from Cologne (Nov. 11 is Cologne Day) but eventually I had to excuse myself and go get lost in the deserted nighttime streets of Chinatown before finding myself on Church Street standing right in front of Nine Eleven.

If you get a minute, check this out. It’s my great uncle Private Peter Clark.

http://privatepeterclark.com

I am writing to you right now from the United State Of Maine. We pulled off the I-95 at Assgas Plaza, where they have free internet, as well as a monkey bathroom and a vending machine that sells poutine and chicken legs.

We crossed the border without a hitch even though Trish told Dan that she had phoned ahead to the border and told them that he was a “terrorist with a gun in his asshole.” The border guard seemed bored silly and did the whole interrogation with his eyes turned upward towards the ceiling of his booth. As we pulled away he said “Enjoy your trip,” and Dan said “Thanks, you too.” (“I was nervous,” he said.)

We are going to drive all night and get a train from Connecticut to the Lower East Side, so, see you there.