Monthly Archives: May 2005


When I was a kid, I used to think ride-on lawnmowers were awesome. Every time I saw one on TV, I would get jealous and wish I had one.

And now, at the age of 34, I find myself living the dream in Gaspereau Forks, New Brunswick.

Say hello to The Big Iron.

big iron


James and I are currently working on some new tracks and I’ve got the webcam all up on our science.

We are the artist formerly known as “Rotator.” After releasing a couple of CDs under this name, we’ve decided to change it. There’s another electronic duo with the same name (download dot com slash rotator) and we don’t want to be confused with them. They have a track called “Banjo Up Yer Arse.”

Feel free to shout out suggestions for a new name (no puns please).

I’ve got the MSN turned on, if you say hello we’ll wander over every now and then and type a few words.

And then tonight we’re driving down to Saint John we’re I’ll be DJing at The Get Down. I’m bringing lots of dope tracks, it’s free so come on out!

get down


Here is an advertisement for the Dodge K-Car station wagon. Closed track, professional driver, do not attempt.


My friend was killed by a drunk driver. What’s so funny about drunk driving? What’s so fucking funny? –Nothing. Except the fact that it’s hilarious, why do you think people do it?

~ After everyone got down jumping in and out of cars and whatnot on the weekend, I managed to leave my sunroof open all night in a heavy rainstorm.

The cassette holder in my car is right below said sunroof, and the next day it was half-full of rain water. I was plucking cassettes out with my thumb and forefinger and pouring water out of the plastic tape housings.

The Best Of Frank Sinatra, New Order Technique, Bad Brains first tape on ROIR, Descendents/All mixtape, Jesus & Mary Chain, Assfactor 4/Clikatat Ikatowi, The Clash.

I had resigned myself to driving in silence for a while.

Yesterday I pressed power on the car stereo. The radio came on and a cassette slid out. Burning Ambitions: A History Of Punk. Ha, take that Mr. Rainstorm.

Good compilation. It even has The Business on it, only not doing this song.

curse you

Anybody who knows me well knows how much I love the wintertime. By contrast, I find spring to be a damp, depressing season in Atlantic Canada. I hate the month of May the way some people hate February.

Today was such a crummy grey day that I decided to go down to the riverbank and let a beaver chew my leg off. I pulled up my pantleg and he went around and around my shin. He was able to pull my foot and ankle away with his little paws, leaving my shin-bone sharpened to a bone-marrow pencil-point.

The beaver paddled away, clutching my amputated foot between his teeth. Dark drops of rain fell into the river around him.

I found a tree-branch to use as a cane and hobbled back to the dirt road. I dragged my stump behind me to spell out giant letters on the ground. From the sky, a dirty crimson message would be visible in the roadway: “CURSE YOU…”

That’s as far as I got before I ran out of blood and passed out.

When I woke up it was raining quite a bit harder. The beaver had come back and chewed off my other foot as well. My pointy bleeding legs were of uneven length.

I flipped over onto my stomach and crawled back to the house, using my elbows to pull my body through the mud.

I think I’m just going to stay on the couch for the next few weeks.

party this saturday

I’m having a party this Saturday, May 21, at my beautiful country estate in the province of New Brunswick. Email me for directions. It’s about three and a half hours from Halifax, and around an hour or 90 minutes from Moncton, Fredericton or Saint John. If you want to come but don’t have a car, let me know and I’ll see if I can hook you up with someone. If you want to come sooner and stick around a couple days, that’s cool. We’re gonna have a funky good time.

Here are a few things we’ll be doing:

* Drinking on the sunporch
* Running up and down the stairs
* Putting on dresses
* Stalking beavers
* Drunk driving on a ride-on lawnmower
* Watching Robocop
* Listening to 15 minutes of CRASS
* Jumping out of moving cars

Jumping out of a moving car is my new favourite game. I’m obsessed with jumping out of a moving car. I did this all afternoon yesterday. I kept backing up to the top of the hill, putting the car into drive, getting it going as fast as I could handle it and then opening the door and jumping out. It’ll be even better with other people here, because then I won’t have to worry about jumping back into the moving car before it hits the steep downhill slope of my driveway and totally gets away in a big disaster. With someone else driving, you can concentrate on the pure art of the jump. Not to say that I don’t enjoy jumping into a moving car. Jumping into a moving car is a whole satisfying sport unto itself. You run as fast as you can, and when you’ve caught up to the moving car you put one hand on the roof and one hand on top of the door and hoist yourself up and into the moving car just in time to put on the brakes before disaster strikes. You get that whole “boat approaching a crazy waterfall” feeling. As you run after the car, a good trick is to picture a couple of orphans sitting in the backseat staring at you helplessly. Man, if that car gets away from you and goes over the cliff, you’re never going to be able to erase the memory of the terrified look in those poor orphans’ eyes. That thought should help you run a little bit faster.

I set up the camera and did four or five passes, most of them were way more dramatic than this, with faster speeds and big somersaults and stuff, but this was the only one where everything was in the frame:

I’ve been working on my reverse driving skills too. Just trying to drive in reverse as fast as I can.

Jumping out of a moving car that’s going in reverse is a whole other world. Not to mention, jumping into a moving car that’s going in reverse. That really gets the adrenalin flowing, because it’s not enough to merely catch up to the moving car. You have to catch up to the car, and then go a little faster than the car is going, because you have to run around the open door before you can jump in. I would say the pinnacle of the whole sport is jumping into a moving car that’s going downhill in reverse.

salsa mess

The bottle slipped when I was putting it back in the fridge. The mess has been sitting there all afternoon.

I keep going off and sitting in the sunporch and forgetting about it. And as soon as I wander back out to the kitchen, there it is. The immutable fact of salsa.

I open the refrigerator and get a drink of milk, then close the fridge and stare down at the floor.

I know the mess can’t stay there and yet I can’t bring myself to clean it up. I become mesmerized by the intersecting lines of the hardwood floor. It’s like a mental crime scene. I’ve taken photos from several angles.

The past year has been spent waiting for a cue that never comes.

I need somebody to tell me that none of this is real.

country update

I’ll get back into writing in a couple days but for now a few quick items–

~ I’ve been kicked out of the rock band, Air Traffic Control. “Kicked out” is a little too strong, because it implies animosity where there is none. It has more to do with the logistical problems caused by my move to another province. I had fun playing with the guys, I hope I didn’t embarrass them too much with my no-compromise rock’n’roll attitude. They’re great fellows and I wish them all the success in the world.

~ Meanwhile, A/V keeps chugging along and I will be preaching the gospel of new wave to the citizens of Saint John this Friday, May 13. It’s a birthday party for and as per usge I’ll probably spend a good portion of my set jumping on top of people and making out with them. (I should thank Claudette for the word “usge”)

~ Salmon River flooding reached its highest point in over ten years. Higher water drives the animals to seek higher ground. For example, the middle of the highway. It’s been a messy month of May.

~ Party in the country: weekend of May 20. Fill a couple carloads and head on out. Email me for directions. Somebody stop at Young’s Cove and pick up some fireworks. Bring a friend, there’s lots of room. I got six closets full of clothes upstairs so you can dress up when you get here.

~ Does anyone know who took this photo? Robin’s mother would like to know. Email me if you can help, philip[at]swordfight[dot]org.