I was biking up Gottingen Street, on my way home from the Marquee, when I noticed a cellphone lying on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up and started fooling around with it.

I’ve never really used a cellphone before, so I was surprised to see how many features were on it. Quite a few pages of menus and so on.

I came to a menu that said 1 missed caller. Pressing the ‘select’ button yielded the following information: Shawn, 2:49am. It turns out I had only missed his call by a few minutes.

I pressed the ‘dial’ button. On the third ring, a groggy-sounding man answered.

“I know who’s a big slut,” he said.

“Hello?” I said. “Is this Shawn?”

“Oh, I know,” he said. “I know you want it… I know you want the big dick.”

The line was a silent for a while.

“Shawn,” I said. “Shawn, listen…”

“Hunnnhh,” he said. “I know who’s a member of the Take-It-Up-The-Arse Club.”

“Shawn,” I said. “Shawn.”

I heard somebody in the background saying something, and then the line went dead.

I took the phone home and left it on the kitchen table with a note for my roommates saying, “PHONE CHINA.”