I have a miserable rotten cold, but I am not suffering, which is due mainly to the kindness of a few good women.

My head is thick and I’ve been walking around all day slightly dazed. I went into HMV to look for a friend of mine and found Joy Division Closer on CD for ten bucks.

The cashier dazzled me with her smile. I can’t remember if I said anything that made sense or if it was just, “Hi, my name is goo goo ga ga.”

I don’t know where Gerry gets these little quizzes, but I found myself reading his answers and mentally comparing them with my own. So I gave this interview the ol’ one-two yoink. Here we go…

HAVE YOU:
1. KISSED YOUR COUSIN: kissed YOUR cousin
2. RAN AWAY: made it 4 blocks. got hungry.
3. PICTURED YOUR CRUSH NAKED: To me, you’re all porn stars…
4. ACTUALLY SEEN YOUR CRUSH NAKED: not yet!
5. BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART: Not lately. Women are smart. They know what they’re getting into.
6. BEEN IN LOVE: yes
7. CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: The only occasion when it is acceptable for a man to cry.
8. WANTED SOMEONE YOU KNEW YOU COULDN’T HAVE: Yes, so I had her anyway.
9. BROKEN A BONE: No. 2% milk.
10. DRANK ALCOHOL: Once or twice
11. LIED: Some people are unworthy of the truth.
12. CRIED IN SCHOOL: In remorse… after I shot the vice-principal.

WHICH IS BETTER:
13. COKE OR PEPSI: I do not partake of caffeine
14. SPRITE OR 7UP: 2% milk.
15. GIRLS OR GUYS: girls
16. FLOWERS OR CANDY: I have never said “hey, give me some of your flowers”
17. SCRUFF OR CLEAN SHAVEN: so fresh, so clean
18. QUIET OR LOUD: quiet. please?
19. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES: brunettes
20. BITCHY OR SLUTTY: slutty all the way
21. TALL OR SHORT: I fuck Amazons
22. PANTS OR SHORTS: short skirts.

WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX:
23. WHAT DO YOU NOTICE FIRST: duration of eye contact
24. LAST PERSON YOU SLOW DANCED WITH: Jinx Jezebel
25. WORST THING THEY COULD DO: annoy me [opposite sex in general… not Jinx Jezebel]

THE LAST TIME:
26. SHOWERED: Today.
27. HAD SEX: Uhhh, what time is it?
28. had a great time with the opposite sex: see above

WHAT IS:
29. YOUR GOOD LUCK CHARM: red bandanna
30. PERSON YOU HATE MOST: Perhaps I am feeling magnanimous today. Or perhaps my enemies do not deserve the publicity.
31. THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU TODAY: Went back to bed…

FAVORITES:
32. COLOR: Dark red
33. MOVIE: Blade Runner
34. BOOK: Robert Hughes, The Shock Of The New
35. SUBJECT IN SCHOOL: Philosophy
36. JUICE: 100% Pure Not-From-Concentrate Premium Ruby Red Grapefruit Juice.
37. CARS: Camaro Z-28. Yellow with tan interior. AC/DC on the tape deck.
38. ICE CREAM: Butter Pecan
39. HOLIDAY: week between Xmas and New Year’s
40. SEASON: Winter
41. BREAKFAST FOOD: pea-meal bacon
42. PLACE TO GO WITH YOUR HONEY: down.

WHO:
43. MAKES YOU LAUGH THE MOST: my brother, Steven
44. MAKES YOU SMILE: Vickers the Cat.
45. GIVES YOU A FUNNY FEELING WHEN YOU SEE THEM: As in, “Hey mister, my dink feels funny”? Aria Giovanni.
46. HAS A CRUSH ON YOU: The women of this neighbourhood treat me as a walking dildo. No one wants to get to know the real me. *snif*
47. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON: Mid-East Food Centre.
48. CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER NO MATTER WHAT: Claudette.
49. HAS IT EASIER GUYS OR GIRLS: It’s a man’s world.

DO YOU EVER:
50. SIT BY THE PHONE WAITING FOR A PHONE CALL ALL NIGHT: That’s just sick.
51. SAVE AOL CONVERSATIONS: lol 😉 no hahaha LOL. u?
52. SAVE E-MAILS: Yes, and then delete everything at once by accident
53. WISH YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE: Oh, every now and then
54. WISH YOU WERE A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX: Yeah, I’d love to bleed from my genitals once a month
55. CRY BECAUSE OF SOMEONE’S MEAN WORDS: I refer all mean words to Mr. Aluminum Bat.

BEST:
56. COLOGNE: Old Spice
57. PERFUME: Poison
58. KISS: Alyssa Robichaud, Jan. 1, 2000
59. ROMANTIC MEMORY: Best blowjob I ever had: Feb, 23, 1991. March 1999: close second.
60. MOST RECENT ADVICE GIVEN TO YOU: “Don’t stop.”

HAVE YOU:
61. Fallen for your best friend?: no.
62. Made out w/ JUST a friend?: Yeah!
63. Been rejected?: No home runs if you don’t swing.
64. Been in love?: No.
65. Been in lust?: I have a boner.
66. Used someone?: Only with their permission.
67. Been used?: No.
69. Been cheated on? …Who cares?
70. Been kissed?: ewwwww
71. Done something you regret?: I regret playing the red instead of the black at Monte Carlo in ’93.

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON:
72. You touched?: HMV girl (handshake)
73: You talked to: Geoffrey
74. You hugged?: mmmm
75. You instant messaged?: lol 😉 hahahaha. lmfao. LOL!!!
76. You kissed?: yum
77. You had sex with?: yummmmm (memories…)
78. You yelled at? Raising your voice is very undignified.
79. You laughed with?: Terry Pulliam.
80. Who broke your heart?: Ahh, c’mon.
81. Who told you they loved you?: Mom.

DO YOU:
82. Color your hair?: No.
83. Have tattoos?: Never.
84. Have piercings?: Why would I want to modify my body?
85. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both?: Why would I want to screw up my life?