12.30.2004
"We have often heard it said that `coal is in their blood.` I have never accepted that idea. Much more to the point is that `their blood is in the coal.'"
Rennie MacKenzie.
6:16 PM
12.28.2004
All of my short stories were horror stories. Women raped and splayed on concrete slabs by teenage vampire wannabes. Aliens cracking the center of the earth for their energy needs. You could get there by walking down a really long set of stairs in your girlfriend’s bathroom.
“You’ll be the next Stephen King,” said my English teacher. “Just don’t use the Black Plaque as a metaphor. It’s offensive.”
“But it happened so long ago!”
“Still.”
Everyone is so happy after a snowstorm. People wave at you. There’s a dozen snow blowers on my street. The snow arcs from the blower like a pop can you dropped.
My father started his up in the garage.
And I imagined what would happen if I ran in front of it at the right moment. What if my leg got caught in this snow blower on our perfect white driveway? And an arc of red sprayed the white snow. I thought how pretty it would look.
If my foot landed by the stump of the willow tree.
I bet people would stop smiling then.
9:44 AM
12.25.2004
Wanna come to a party tonight in Halifax?
Call me at home and I'll tell you where it is...we have gin.
7:23 PM
12.22.2004
Last night T talked about making a video of her 90 something year old grandfather this Christmas and then Sherri, who's had too much to drink said "Put music to it and people will cry." Tamara eyes got really wide and Kerry and I laughed for about three hours.
1:38 PM
12.19.2004
Come to Bloomfield Monday night around 9 pm. Philip, Mike and I will be waiting for you in our underwear with our Fireball soaked fingers. Bring your own.
Underpanties.
6:21 PM
12.16.2004
Oh my god I am running around like a cracked nut. I have to do laundry and clean the cat shit and pack and go to a Christmas party and go to the store and buy cat food and get drunk. I just stuffed so many items of clothing in a small suitcase it's unreal. And shoes. And Christams presents.
So I bet all my friends are at The Holy Shroud show. That's fine. I can deal.
Are you excited to see me? I'm excited to see you. I'll be home tomorrow evening. You can call me at 864-1466 or 422-0251. If you don't call me, I will think you don't love me.
9:00 PM
They Fit when I Bought Them
And then they didn't. So I have to stuff them with cotton balls. The shoe guy told me to do that. Can you lose weight in your feet? oh yes. Yes, you can.
6:20 PM
12.15.2004
photos: Mark Mullane
11:49 AM
12.14.2004
I came home the other day and Mike had clipped my strapless bra on his head.
"Take it OFF!"
The bra was bought in a flurry and it's almost always taken off in a flurry. I toss my bras on the chair, tuck my socks under the couch. If you've ever lived with me you may have encountered me at the dryer putting on hot underwear or tearing off my skirt in the living room in favour of gym pants and bare feet. I've been caught naked in my room a lot. Cause the door is open. I remember when I lived on Pepperell someone came bounding up the stairs cause they thought I said come here except I said don't come up here and there I was naked, my bedroom door wide open. "I'm naked," I said calmly. His face turned bright red.
I took the bra off Mike's head and tucked it away in the wicker type basket in the dining room where Tamara keeps her Home and Garden magazines. My room is way at the top.
The next day while I ran around finding socks that don't match, getting ready for work I saw the bra again. Damn.
Then I forgot about it.
The day of the Geminis I was, once again, running around in my towel trying to find things, drying my hair, talking on the phone, eating an omlet. I needed my strapless bra because of the strapless dress and I couldn't find it. Anywhere. I ruffled around the magazines. I lifted the wicker things. I checked under the computer and in the computer desk. I accused Mike of hiding it. I accused Tamara of moving it and forgetting she moved it. I accused the bra of walking off.
My bedroom is three big piles of clothes. I sat on my bedroom floor and picked each item of clothing, shook it and then placed it in a specific pile. I couldn't find the bra anywhere. This is really unlike me. I always know where everything is. The way your mother always knows where the nail clippers or the scissors are kept even if they're in some obscure drawer in the laundry room and they weren't there last week. I just know.
I didn't find the bra in time for the Geminis. That's okay though, Tamara gave me some blue tube top.
I woke up the next day and Tamara had left me a note. "There's a surprise in your cupboard."
I opened my food cupboard and there was my wayward, elusive bra, next to the New York flatbread and cous cous.
I think it's still there.
3:32 PM
12.09.2004
It's 5 in the morning and I've decided I'm fucking crazy.
Yesterday I went and got my ears pierced at 10 gauge. It was fun, there was a great rush and I loved the feeling and it made me talkative.
anyway. Now I don't want them.
5:53 AM
12.08.2004
Emergency phone call.
Experience with hatred. Anyone?
3:23 PM
God stooped with care
And grew silent.
Here he smiled, and came
Holy angels in a crowd.
With shimmering bodies
Created.
Some are with huge wings,
and some have no wings.
That's why I cried so much,
That's why--
Because I love more than God
His dear angels.
1916
Marina Tsvetayeva.
1:07 PM
12.07.2004
I'm a slacker. All I want to do is daydream about Christmas and sex. I especially like day dreaming while I lay in bed. My incredibly soft, duvet cocoon, jersey t-shirt, 4 pillow, flower smelling bed. Seriously, I have a shower in the morning and then I put on CBC Radio and go back to bed and daydream for about 45 minutes. It's ridiculous. If I'm not day dreaming I put on my new boots and dance around to The Chinese Stars. I even lay in bed with my boots on.
I talked to my sister on msn today. She's going to school in Scotland. She keeps trying to set me up with her best friend. He asked her to talk him up at Christmas. Apparantly he bought some Converse in London cause he heard I like the look. I asked her what his hair looked like and that'd I'd consider marrying him cause I want the visa. Then I heard he's from Guelph and likes the song Runaround Sue so I said Forget It. There's a memorial for Pierre Berton in the Atrium downstairs. His family is there and Maragret Atwood and some other people I don't know. I ate four chocolates today. I went to meet Connie for tea just now and my shirt popped open and exposed me so that was exciting.
6:21 PM
12.06.2004
Some people are lying to me. I've begun to suspect I'm clairvoyant. That I predicted the deaths of that family in my dreams. That I predicted the forthcoming marriage of my ex boyfriend. Last night someone held me naked from behind and just as he was about to enter me, his arm came loose from around my waist and he dropped me to the floor.
"It's because of your fertility," he said coldly to my back. "That's why I left you."
2:58 PM
If you care to educate yourself at all about depression, anti-depressants and suicide you should read this article from the New Yorker, 1998, by Andrew Solomon. In all my years, the last decade, and all the reading and searching, this is the best written article I have ever found.
1:50 PM
First, the terms “faith” and “belief” can be used to mean: “To hold to be true, unwaveringly.” A non-biblical example of this kind of belief can be found in the story of Peter Pan. In order to save Tinkerbell, children hearing the story must convince themselves that fairies exist and shout, “I believe in fairies.” This sort of belief has been suggested as a model for what is required for salvation in the Biblical sense. For our discussion we will refer to this definition of belief as, “definition one.”
The other definition of “faith” and “belief” that we must consider is: “To trust in or rely on.”
Don. W. Stoner
1:19 PM
12.05.2004
My father was dressed in girl's dresses until he was five. His hair long. 5 older sisters and one brother. It was the hand me downs.
My grandmother and my grandfather fell in love from a distance. My grandfather made the trip from his farm to my grandmother’s farm twice a week, on his horse and buggy. It was a five hour ride. He would stay for one hour, to visit her, and he would get on his wagon and he would go back.
Oh, que je t’aime…
He died when my father was 11 years old, spitting blood from his hands.
---In those days, in that place, the women got nothing. The farm and the house and everything was left to my uncle. He let us live there for a little while.---
Until one day the boy came home from school and the house was sliced like a Sunday pig. And scraps on the wood, guts in the yard, were the only things left.
“I will take your linen and your blankets.”
“I will take your bed.”
“I will take your dresser, your cans, your stove.”
“I will take your chairs.”
“I will dig the earth you walk upon.”
“I will take that too.”
We drove through the town where my father grew up and he took us to the farm.
There is just a driveway now, pebbles lead up to nothing and stop at nothing. A house that is a ghost. A land with no food.
We drove through Main Street and it was lined with triangle flags.
---“When we left the farm, we stayed right here, in this one room.”
1:09 AM
12.04.2004
"If you can't get them back in then don't take them OUT!"
That's what I told my cat when her two of her nail claws got caught in the fabric of the chair and she death meowed.
Tamara laughs at me because she can hear me telling one cat in particluar to shut up when I'm in bed.
Shut. up.
My feet are freezing because it's freezing here. I have to change the cat litter and that is something I hate doing more than anything. I was up til 2 am with T.
"Remember that time I puked on kelly's shoes at Acadia and I hadn't seen her since high school? I just ran up in the hallway, threw up on her sneakers and then ran away. Caaalasssy."
"Tequila."
2:37 PM
12.03.2004
3:19 PM
12.01.2004
I showed up at his door at 3 am, with just my clothes, my winter hat. I was so mad.
“He kicked me out. You’re the only one who hates him as much as I do. Can I stay here?”
“You finally figured it out.”
“I’m leaving him. I’m never go back to him.”
“Claudette. You’re an emotional masochist. You’ll go back.”
“No, I won’t. This is it.”
I considered taking him to bed. The ex-best friend. I pictured myself in his messy, single bed, upstairs. I’d always wanted to fuck him anyway.
The sweetest revenge. Yeah. I’m that kind of girl.
Maybe there’s a god above
As for me all I ever seem to learn from love
Is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
2:53 PM
"We have often heard it said that `coal is in their blood.` I have never accepted that idea. Much more to the point is that `their blood is in the coal.'"
Rennie MacKenzie.
6:16 PM
12.28.2004
All of my short stories were horror stories. Women raped and splayed on concrete slabs by teenage vampire wannabes. Aliens cracking the center of the earth for their energy needs. You could get there by walking down a really long set of stairs in your girlfriend’s bathroom.
“You’ll be the next Stephen King,” said my English teacher. “Just don’t use the Black Plaque as a metaphor. It’s offensive.”
“But it happened so long ago!”
“Still.”
Everyone is so happy after a snowstorm. People wave at you. There’s a dozen snow blowers on my street. The snow arcs from the blower like a pop can you dropped.
My father started his up in the garage.
And I imagined what would happen if I ran in front of it at the right moment. What if my leg got caught in this snow blower on our perfect white driveway? And an arc of red sprayed the white snow. I thought how pretty it would look.
If my foot landed by the stump of the willow tree.
I bet people would stop smiling then.
9:44 AM
12.25.2004
Wanna come to a party tonight in Halifax?
Call me at home and I'll tell you where it is...we have gin.
7:23 PM
12.22.2004
Last night T talked about making a video of her 90 something year old grandfather this Christmas and then Sherri, who's had too much to drink said "Put music to it and people will cry." Tamara eyes got really wide and Kerry and I laughed for about three hours.
1:38 PM
12.19.2004
Come to Bloomfield Monday night around 9 pm. Philip, Mike and I will be waiting for you in our underwear with our Fireball soaked fingers. Bring your own.
Underpanties.
6:21 PM
12.16.2004
Oh my god I am running around like a cracked nut. I have to do laundry and clean the cat shit and pack and go to a Christmas party and go to the store and buy cat food and get drunk. I just stuffed so many items of clothing in a small suitcase it's unreal. And shoes. And Christams presents.
So I bet all my friends are at The Holy Shroud show. That's fine. I can deal.
Are you excited to see me? I'm excited to see you. I'll be home tomorrow evening. You can call me at 864-1466 or 422-0251. If you don't call me, I will think you don't love me.
9:00 PM
They Fit when I Bought Them
And then they didn't. So I have to stuff them with cotton balls. The shoe guy told me to do that. Can you lose weight in your feet? oh yes. Yes, you can.
6:20 PM
12.15.2004
photos: Mark Mullane
11:49 AM
12.14.2004
I came home the other day and Mike had clipped my strapless bra on his head.
"Take it OFF!"
The bra was bought in a flurry and it's almost always taken off in a flurry. I toss my bras on the chair, tuck my socks under the couch. If you've ever lived with me you may have encountered me at the dryer putting on hot underwear or tearing off my skirt in the living room in favour of gym pants and bare feet. I've been caught naked in my room a lot. Cause the door is open. I remember when I lived on Pepperell someone came bounding up the stairs cause they thought I said come here except I said don't come up here and there I was naked, my bedroom door wide open. "I'm naked," I said calmly. His face turned bright red.
I took the bra off Mike's head and tucked it away in the wicker type basket in the dining room where Tamara keeps her Home and Garden magazines. My room is way at the top.
The next day while I ran around finding socks that don't match, getting ready for work I saw the bra again. Damn.
Then I forgot about it.
The day of the Geminis I was, once again, running around in my towel trying to find things, drying my hair, talking on the phone, eating an omlet. I needed my strapless bra because of the strapless dress and I couldn't find it. Anywhere. I ruffled around the magazines. I lifted the wicker things. I checked under the computer and in the computer desk. I accused Mike of hiding it. I accused Tamara of moving it and forgetting she moved it. I accused the bra of walking off.
My bedroom is three big piles of clothes. I sat on my bedroom floor and picked each item of clothing, shook it and then placed it in a specific pile. I couldn't find the bra anywhere. This is really unlike me. I always know where everything is. The way your mother always knows where the nail clippers or the scissors are kept even if they're in some obscure drawer in the laundry room and they weren't there last week. I just know.
I didn't find the bra in time for the Geminis. That's okay though, Tamara gave me some blue tube top.
I woke up the next day and Tamara had left me a note. "There's a surprise in your cupboard."
I opened my food cupboard and there was my wayward, elusive bra, next to the New York flatbread and cous cous.
I think it's still there.
3:32 PM
12.09.2004
It's 5 in the morning and I've decided I'm fucking crazy.
Yesterday I went and got my ears pierced at 10 gauge. It was fun, there was a great rush and I loved the feeling and it made me talkative.
anyway. Now I don't want them.
5:53 AM
12.08.2004
Emergency phone call.
Experience with hatred. Anyone?
3:23 PM
God stooped with care
And grew silent.
Here he smiled, and came
Holy angels in a crowd.
With shimmering bodies
Created.
Some are with huge wings,
and some have no wings.
That's why I cried so much,
That's why--
Because I love more than God
His dear angels.
1916
Marina Tsvetayeva.
1:07 PM
12.07.2004
I'm a slacker. All I want to do is daydream about Christmas and sex. I especially like day dreaming while I lay in bed. My incredibly soft, duvet cocoon, jersey t-shirt, 4 pillow, flower smelling bed. Seriously, I have a shower in the morning and then I put on CBC Radio and go back to bed and daydream for about 45 minutes. It's ridiculous. If I'm not day dreaming I put on my new boots and dance around to The Chinese Stars. I even lay in bed with my boots on.
I talked to my sister on msn today. She's going to school in Scotland. She keeps trying to set me up with her best friend. He asked her to talk him up at Christmas. Apparantly he bought some Converse in London cause he heard I like the look. I asked her what his hair looked like and that'd I'd consider marrying him cause I want the visa. Then I heard he's from Guelph and likes the song Runaround Sue so I said Forget It. There's a memorial for Pierre Berton in the Atrium downstairs. His family is there and Maragret Atwood and some other people I don't know. I ate four chocolates today. I went to meet Connie for tea just now and my shirt popped open and exposed me so that was exciting.
6:21 PM
12.06.2004
Some people are lying to me. I've begun to suspect I'm clairvoyant. That I predicted the deaths of that family in my dreams. That I predicted the forthcoming marriage of my ex boyfriend. Last night someone held me naked from behind and just as he was about to enter me, his arm came loose from around my waist and he dropped me to the floor.
"It's because of your fertility," he said coldly to my back. "That's why I left you."
2:58 PM
If you care to educate yourself at all about depression, anti-depressants and suicide you should read this article from the New Yorker, 1998, by Andrew Solomon. In all my years, the last decade, and all the reading and searching, this is the best written article I have ever found.
1:50 PM
First, the terms “faith” and “belief” can be used to mean: “To hold to be true, unwaveringly.” A non-biblical example of this kind of belief can be found in the story of Peter Pan. In order to save Tinkerbell, children hearing the story must convince themselves that fairies exist and shout, “I believe in fairies.” This sort of belief has been suggested as a model for what is required for salvation in the Biblical sense. For our discussion we will refer to this definition of belief as, “definition one.”
The other definition of “faith” and “belief” that we must consider is: “To trust in or rely on.”
Don. W. Stoner
1:19 PM
12.05.2004
My father was dressed in girl's dresses until he was five. His hair long. 5 older sisters and one brother. It was the hand me downs.
My grandmother and my grandfather fell in love from a distance. My grandfather made the trip from his farm to my grandmother’s farm twice a week, on his horse and buggy. It was a five hour ride. He would stay for one hour, to visit her, and he would get on his wagon and he would go back.
Oh, que je t’aime…
He died when my father was 11 years old, spitting blood from his hands.
---In those days, in that place, the women got nothing. The farm and the house and everything was left to my uncle. He let us live there for a little while.---
Until one day the boy came home from school and the house was sliced like a Sunday pig. And scraps on the wood, guts in the yard, were the only things left.
“I will take your linen and your blankets.”
“I will take your bed.”
“I will take your dresser, your cans, your stove.”
“I will take your chairs.”
“I will dig the earth you walk upon.”
“I will take that too.”
We drove through the town where my father grew up and he took us to the farm.
There is just a driveway now, pebbles lead up to nothing and stop at nothing. A house that is a ghost. A land with no food.
We drove through Main Street and it was lined with triangle flags.
---“When we left the farm, we stayed right here, in this one room.”
1:09 AM
12.04.2004
"If you can't get them back in then don't take them OUT!"
That's what I told my cat when her two of her nail claws got caught in the fabric of the chair and she death meowed.
Tamara laughs at me because she can hear me telling one cat in particluar to shut up when I'm in bed.
Shut. up.
My feet are freezing because it's freezing here. I have to change the cat litter and that is something I hate doing more than anything. I was up til 2 am with T.
"Remember that time I puked on kelly's shoes at Acadia and I hadn't seen her since high school? I just ran up in the hallway, threw up on her sneakers and then ran away. Caaalasssy."
"Tequila."
2:37 PM
12.03.2004
3:19 PM
12.01.2004
I showed up at his door at 3 am, with just my clothes, my winter hat. I was so mad.
“He kicked me out. You’re the only one who hates him as much as I do. Can I stay here?”
“You finally figured it out.”
“I’m leaving him. I’m never go back to him.”
“Claudette. You’re an emotional masochist. You’ll go back.”
“No, I won’t. This is it.”
I considered taking him to bed. The ex-best friend. I pictured myself in his messy, single bed, upstairs. I’d always wanted to fuck him anyway.
The sweetest revenge. Yeah. I’m that kind of girl.
Maybe there’s a god above
As for me all I ever seem to learn from love
Is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
2:53 PM
