12.30.2005
I have so many tough decisions to make, with pros and cons on both sides. I feel immobilized as though every decision will affect my future and alter the course of my life. It sounds so final. And it is. But these decisions are not just for me anymore. I tend to still feel the effects of choices I made years ago. The distrust and the disappointment that grew out of that has been so hard to shake and has in turn affected other decisions. And these choices are twisted with my dreams and my fantasies and what I wished and hoped for and never had. Or what I had and what I lost. I obsess about minute detail; what if I had hidden my money in the cereal box instead of the suitcase? and what if I had chosen him instead of him?
The hatred that I feel for Halifax in these moments is unbearable. It has nothing to do with people but rather the lack of personal growth I am able to achieve when I'm here. Anywhere in Canada for that matter. I long for travel. For sweaty nights and mosquitos and hikes through the jungle. I want to teach new journalists how to be fair journalists. I want to be caught in a busy market and feel the irritation and the breath when I'm free.
Free. I fear my life is meant to be ordinary. It keeps me in bed reading books to escape. I feel trapped.
1:56 PM
12.25.2005
I hate it when other people cause drama for me because of something I expressed a long time ago and have since forgotten. Simply because I don't care anymore and besides I only cared for about a day anyway. Besides it's not my place to dictate what someone does on their site, which is why I dropped it. Yeah sure, I asked, I had my reasons and nothing was done for whatever reason. So what? I don't dwell on shit like that therefore I hate it when OTHER people do, supposedly on my behalf.
I have gently removed some people from my life and re-accquainted myself with others. Not because I think those people are bad but because I wasn't getting what I needed as a friend. That's ok. It has happened before, and I know for a fact that I haven't always given what other people need either. That is life. That's how it goes. You move on, sometimes for a little while, a few years, sometimes for a lifetime. There are some people who are temporary and others who are until death. I know which is which. Sometimes I get sad and expressive about the temporary ones. I tend to trust people and believe that they will treat me with tenderness and understanding and when they don't I feel hurt by them easily. But I get over it and try to have understanding for the other person's perspective. I also recognize that I have a tendancy to express my feelings about some close to the heart topics (such as shitty mental health doctors) based upon my own experiences and the experiences of those close to me, of those who were failed. I do this without always realizing that other people's experiences might be very different. It's really only because I care and I worry about the people in my life. I worry that they are not being treated fairly or with respect.
I apologize if anyone has been caught in the drive-by drama of my own life. I really do. It is not what I wanted or what I asked for. The stress is getting to me. I'm trying to remain calm and surround myself with people who love me and support me in the true way with hugs and words of strength...the people I know I can call anytime, any hour.
10:29 AM
I have so many tough decisions to make, with pros and cons on both sides. I feel immobilized as though every decision will affect my future and alter the course of my life. It sounds so final. And it is. But these decisions are not just for me anymore. I tend to still feel the effects of choices I made years ago. The distrust and the disappointment that grew out of that has been so hard to shake and has in turn affected other decisions. And these choices are twisted with my dreams and my fantasies and what I wished and hoped for and never had. Or what I had and what I lost. I obsess about minute detail; what if I had hidden my money in the cereal box instead of the suitcase? and what if I had chosen him instead of him?
The hatred that I feel for Halifax in these moments is unbearable. It has nothing to do with people but rather the lack of personal growth I am able to achieve when I'm here. Anywhere in Canada for that matter. I long for travel. For sweaty nights and mosquitos and hikes through the jungle. I want to teach new journalists how to be fair journalists. I want to be caught in a busy market and feel the irritation and the breath when I'm free.
Free. I fear my life is meant to be ordinary. It keeps me in bed reading books to escape. I feel trapped.
1:56 PM
12.25.2005
I hate it when other people cause drama for me because of something I expressed a long time ago and have since forgotten. Simply because I don't care anymore and besides I only cared for about a day anyway. Besides it's not my place to dictate what someone does on their site, which is why I dropped it. Yeah sure, I asked, I had my reasons and nothing was done for whatever reason. So what? I don't dwell on shit like that therefore I hate it when OTHER people do, supposedly on my behalf.
I have gently removed some people from my life and re-accquainted myself with others. Not because I think those people are bad but because I wasn't getting what I needed as a friend. That's ok. It has happened before, and I know for a fact that I haven't always given what other people need either. That is life. That's how it goes. You move on, sometimes for a little while, a few years, sometimes for a lifetime. There are some people who are temporary and others who are until death. I know which is which. Sometimes I get sad and expressive about the temporary ones. I tend to trust people and believe that they will treat me with tenderness and understanding and when they don't I feel hurt by them easily. But I get over it and try to have understanding for the other person's perspective. I also recognize that I have a tendancy to express my feelings about some close to the heart topics (such as shitty mental health doctors) based upon my own experiences and the experiences of those close to me, of those who were failed. I do this without always realizing that other people's experiences might be very different. It's really only because I care and I worry about the people in my life. I worry that they are not being treated fairly or with respect.
I apologize if anyone has been caught in the drive-by drama of my own life. I really do. It is not what I wanted or what I asked for. The stress is getting to me. I'm trying to remain calm and surround myself with people who love me and support me in the true way with hugs and words of strength...the people I know I can call anytime, any hour.
10:29 AM
