3.30.2005
I want to write something tonight. But everything I write turns like shit in my hands.
I wish I could tell you how much I love you. How badly I want you to walk up the driveway. I want to sit with you on these steps. I want quiet with you.
There is no fear in these words. I don't have fear. I never have. I design to have fear because it is more accepted than love. I want to tell you this.
1:24 AM
Dear Halifax,
A lover told me, “I want to leave my mark on you.”
12:08 AM
3.28.2005
"She has a prostitute's heart."
7:18 PM
3.24.2005
Cows In Art Class
good weather
is like
good women-
it doesn't always happen
and when it does
it doesn't
always last.
man is
more stable:
if he's bad
there's more chance
he'll stay that way,
or if he's good
he might hang
on,
but a woman
is changed
by
children
age
diet
conversation
sex
the moon
the absence or
presence of sun
or good times.
a woman must be nursed
into subsistence
by love
where a man can become
stronger
by being hated.
Charles Bukowski
11:58 AM
3.22.2005
I do. I've sat and smoked 2 cigarettes wondering what to write. For most of our friendship, I've tried hard not to alarm you. It's difficult. I hate that I burden you. That is why I cut you out so many times. Tonight, everything makes me cry, even the patterns on the toilet paper.
The green stain on the fence. Because the green stain so beautifully devours it.
So this brings tears? Imagine!
There is a brown spotted pigeon on a grate. I saw a man stop and watch the pigeon. You can’t find food when the earth doesn’t exist beneath you.
It’s a sewer. It’s way down. But you keep picking.
I am so sick of death. Life. I want life. I want life. I do. I do. I do.
8:02 PM
3.21.2005
-I'm bored.
-oh no, it's only 8.
-Yeah. I feel like drinking. But I always feel like drinking.
-ummmm. Isn't that a problem?
-Yeah, but I'm bored. booooooooored.
-You need a regular fuck buddy. That would cure you.
-yeaaahhhhhhh...Hey! maybe there's a bottle under the stairs...a hidden bottle...
-yeah. About that problem?
9:11 PM
3.19.2005
What I wanna know, is what happened to the maggot baby?
-"Why is her skin all grey and her eyes all weird?"
-"It's called possessed. Bitch."
-"Is it a boy or a girl?"
-I dunno, I can't see through all the maggots."
7:12 PM
3.15.2005
My eyes get big and wet when I'm sad. Fat tears fall even when I eat my super fine sharp cheese and black bean toasted kaiser sandwich. Plop plop.
Tamara is moving to San Fran in 3 months, cause her boyfriend got a super fine job.
No friends. Plop plop.
3:00 PM
3.10.2005
Every night, I beamed the sheets for spiders. I flipped them, faded, ugly, old things. Cabins always get leftovers. A cranky fridge, pink towels with holes, record players without needles, the Enquirer stuffed under the beds, and the coal nobody wants.
The color pink makes me think of Cape Breton. When I see a pink house, it’s New Waterford, flat and hot and still. Boredom. Dead uncles. I think of her white chocolate and her burnt house. Black barbie dolls. Chasing husbands around the kitchen table with butcher knives. Around and around. The smell of freezer burned ice cream in a small pantry.
Cabins get the bad foundations and the small windows too. Windows too high up for any good. Where is the sun? It’s clouded by spiders.
Even after we got our own rooms, when Papa died and Mom and Dad moved into his room, I would beg and beg, “Please let me sleep with you? Please!” She hated it. We would fight. And later I would crawl into bed with her. Sixteen years old and too afraid to sleep alone.
Afraid of spiders. But I thought, “If there are two, we can fight them.” And then I could sleep.
6:58 PM
3.08.2005
I have this shirt for sleeping. It’s pink with red stripes and polka-dots. It cups my breast like a… ahhhh, I dunno, nightgown? Bikini? Anyway. I was brushing my teeth and Eric and Tamara were in her room and I looked at my chest in the mirror and I was disgusted.
“This shirt makes ma tits look ooooooooold.”
Lots of laughing. Then I told Eric about the ham sandwich and he laughed some more.
Saturday Night: Cari and I met up with some of her friends at ‘The Supermarket.’ It’s a bar. Cari wore her full length rabbit fur coat that her sister bought her for Christmas. We saw the line up and she said “I don’t do line-ups.” So we went to the front, butted, got looked at and the bouncers let us in.
“The only problem with this bar,”she said. “They’re all boys and they have no money to buy us drinks.”
Alex bought us two shooters. Cari and I went to the bathroom and hung out there for like half an hour talking. Then she dry heaved into the toilet, and I was like “Lean over more! Your coat! Your coat!”
Alex and Freddy went on to warn me that men are the most disgusting creatures on earth. “Men are pigs.” I had to defend men!
-Do you know what a league is? Yeah, well, you’re out of mine.
6:18 PM
3.07.2005
The fat snowflakes hit the window and the heat crumples them like words you don’t want him to see.
I had a dream about you. All I did was lay my forehead on your knee. You were comforting me, but in reality I comfort you.
2:11 PM
3.03.2005
I thought anti-depressants were supposed to regulate your moods.
I played hopscotch with my meds. Monday, Tuesday, JUMP, Thursday, JUMP. This went on for months.
When I first started taking them I was suddenly, I don’t know, loving again. My mom stopped calling me a bitch. I made up with some friends who’d dumped me. Fucked a boy on the couch.
Then it all went to hell. I get bored so easy, so I thought
experimentation.
Fucked a boy over the bathtub while my boyfriend ran around the space looking for me.
It’s not that I don’t have morals. It’s that I got sick of saving him. My father patched up the hole in the bedroom wall. I threw away the ripped nightgown.
Then I heard that going on and off your drugs can cause brain damage. I’m definitely damaged.
Afraid of what? I have no idea. Closeness? I can take my clothes off easy enough. But if you want to get to know me; without the coyness, the bitch mechanisms, the plaything, Good fucking luck.
Sometimes it’s just about protection.
6:03 PM
I can not believe this was actually written and printed.
""It looks like NSCAD University’s second campus may be heading for south-end Halifax, cutting off Dartmouth’s hopes like Van Gogh’s ear."
-The Daily News
I feel violated by bad writing.
1:10 PM
3.02.2005
I showed Ryan the middle finger of my right hand. I wiggled it a little, took a sip of the wussy white wine and said--If someone said you could have anything, your greatest, most peaceful dream fulfilled instantly---but you had to give this finger, just this one finger, would you do it and what would it be?
-Nothing.
-Nothing?
-I don't believe in body modification.
-Oh, well, that's boring.
-I will fulfil all of my wishes, they will come to me because I believe, blahblahblah.
-...Unhuh.... I'm drifting.
-What would you want?
-I would give up this finger if I could have a house by the ocean, just across the street and big rocks where I can take naps. I would be, let's say eight months pregnant, and it's July, and sunny. I'm wearing a yellow dress, it's faded. There's a garden.
-That's beautiful. May I ask...is there a husband in this picture?
-Huh? Ohhh...I dunno, I guess. He's in the house somewhere? oh...and there would be lots of white laundry blowing in the wind. I love white laundry.
6:53 PM
I flipped it over and wrote it back. But in the bathroom I washed my face, thought of snatching it off the kitchen table and hiding it in my room. Stuffing it under dad’s navy socks, pretending to throw it out. Went to the kitchen. Poured a gin. Cracked some cubes and cried a little. I have a lot of love.
1:41 AM
3.01.2005
I don't mean to be whiney but I bought kraft dinner at Shopper's and sat on the chair waiting for my 70 dollar prescription, sighing loudly, watching the lesbians with acne and eating crispers. I saw a display for diabetesSEX and I was mildly interested but too depressed to bother to see what it was all about. The bike shop down the street closed and there's a typed sign that says 'So long, thanks for the fish.' Today on the street car I saw a guy with a tattoo that said 'Only God can judge me.' And I thought 'you're fat, you're ugly, you have a tattoo on your neck and you didn't shave this morning, I'm judging you.'
There's no toilet paper so I had to blow my nose and clean up the cat puke with coffee filter.
I am bummed.
1:18 PM
I want to write something tonight. But everything I write turns like shit in my hands.
I wish I could tell you how much I love you. How badly I want you to walk up the driveway. I want to sit with you on these steps. I want quiet with you.
There is no fear in these words. I don't have fear. I never have. I design to have fear because it is more accepted than love. I want to tell you this.
1:24 AM
Dear Halifax,
A lover told me, “I want to leave my mark on you.”
12:08 AM
3.28.2005
"She has a prostitute's heart."
- Crack Town Toronto. Getting yelled at from across the street. “Hey!” “Hey!” “HEY BITCH!” So I stop and stare and he goes “Hey, yeah, hi.”
Arriving at Alex’s and suddenly feeling like I’m on a date cause he pours me some wine and makes me an avocado sandwich. - Showed F my boob. “Can I touch it?” “Sure.” “Can I lick it?” “NO!” putting it back inside.
F and Alex showing me the digital photos of their friend masturbating on the stairs.
Suddenly there’s a shit load of people.
Meeting Becca. My new friend. She kept saying, “Where did you come from?” “The sky.”
Talking to the Japanese students for like 2 hours. They thanked me for talking slow. I asked them if there are really vending machines where men can buy girl’s underwear. They were embarrassed and said they were in special stores. “OH! You mean in the stores where they DILDOS? Do you know DILDO?” Inviting myself to Japan.
Jon coming back from getting cigarettes where his foot was run over by a cab and he got 20 bucks off the driver.
Talking to the rich guy who doesn’t think he’s rich. “ummm, you own THREE SAILBOATS.” Inviting myself on a sailboat ride.
Partying until 8 am. Walking home at 9 am past the shaking crack addicts.
7:18 PM
3.24.2005
Cows In Art Class
good weather
is like
good women-
it doesn't always happen
and when it does
it doesn't
always last.
man is
more stable:
if he's bad
there's more chance
he'll stay that way,
or if he's good
he might hang
on,
but a woman
is changed
by
children
age
diet
conversation
sex
the moon
the absence or
presence of sun
or good times.
a woman must be nursed
into subsistence
by love
where a man can become
stronger
by being hated.
Charles Bukowski
11:58 AM
3.22.2005
I do. I've sat and smoked 2 cigarettes wondering what to write. For most of our friendship, I've tried hard not to alarm you. It's difficult. I hate that I burden you. That is why I cut you out so many times. Tonight, everything makes me cry, even the patterns on the toilet paper.
The green stain on the fence. Because the green stain so beautifully devours it.
So this brings tears? Imagine!
There is a brown spotted pigeon on a grate. I saw a man stop and watch the pigeon. You can’t find food when the earth doesn’t exist beneath you.
It’s a sewer. It’s way down. But you keep picking.
I am so sick of death. Life. I want life. I want life. I do. I do. I do.
8:02 PM
3.21.2005
-I'm bored.
-oh no, it's only 8.
-Yeah. I feel like drinking. But I always feel like drinking.
-ummmm. Isn't that a problem?
-Yeah, but I'm bored. booooooooored.
-You need a regular fuck buddy. That would cure you.
-yeaaahhhhhhh...Hey! maybe there's a bottle under the stairs...a hidden bottle...
-yeah. About that problem?
9:11 PM
3.19.2005
What I wanna know, is what happened to the maggot baby?
-"Why is her skin all grey and her eyes all weird?"
-"It's called possessed. Bitch."
-"Is it a boy or a girl?"
-I dunno, I can't see through all the maggots."
7:12 PM
3.15.2005
My eyes get big and wet when I'm sad. Fat tears fall even when I eat my super fine sharp cheese and black bean toasted kaiser sandwich. Plop plop.
Tamara is moving to San Fran in 3 months, cause her boyfriend got a super fine job.
No friends. Plop plop.
3:00 PM
3.10.2005
Every night, I beamed the sheets for spiders. I flipped them, faded, ugly, old things. Cabins always get leftovers. A cranky fridge, pink towels with holes, record players without needles, the Enquirer stuffed under the beds, and the coal nobody wants.
The color pink makes me think of Cape Breton. When I see a pink house, it’s New Waterford, flat and hot and still. Boredom. Dead uncles. I think of her white chocolate and her burnt house. Black barbie dolls. Chasing husbands around the kitchen table with butcher knives. Around and around. The smell of freezer burned ice cream in a small pantry.
Cabins get the bad foundations and the small windows too. Windows too high up for any good. Where is the sun? It’s clouded by spiders.
Even after we got our own rooms, when Papa died and Mom and Dad moved into his room, I would beg and beg, “Please let me sleep with you? Please!” She hated it. We would fight. And later I would crawl into bed with her. Sixteen years old and too afraid to sleep alone.
Afraid of spiders. But I thought, “If there are two, we can fight them.” And then I could sleep.
6:58 PM
3.08.2005
I have this shirt for sleeping. It’s pink with red stripes and polka-dots. It cups my breast like a… ahhhh, I dunno, nightgown? Bikini? Anyway. I was brushing my teeth and Eric and Tamara were in her room and I looked at my chest in the mirror and I was disgusted.
“This shirt makes ma tits look ooooooooold.”
Lots of laughing. Then I told Eric about the ham sandwich and he laughed some more.
Saturday Night: Cari and I met up with some of her friends at ‘The Supermarket.’ It’s a bar. Cari wore her full length rabbit fur coat that her sister bought her for Christmas. We saw the line up and she said “I don’t do line-ups.” So we went to the front, butted, got looked at and the bouncers let us in.
“The only problem with this bar,”she said. “They’re all boys and they have no money to buy us drinks.”
Alex bought us two shooters. Cari and I went to the bathroom and hung out there for like half an hour talking. Then she dry heaved into the toilet, and I was like “Lean over more! Your coat! Your coat!”
Alex and Freddy went on to warn me that men are the most disgusting creatures on earth. “Men are pigs.” I had to defend men!
-Do you know what a league is? Yeah, well, you’re out of mine.
6:18 PM
3.07.2005
The fat snowflakes hit the window and the heat crumples them like words you don’t want him to see.
I had a dream about you. All I did was lay my forehead on your knee. You were comforting me, but in reality I comfort you.
2:11 PM
3.03.2005
I thought anti-depressants were supposed to regulate your moods.
I played hopscotch with my meds. Monday, Tuesday, JUMP, Thursday, JUMP. This went on for months.
When I first started taking them I was suddenly, I don’t know, loving again. My mom stopped calling me a bitch. I made up with some friends who’d dumped me. Fucked a boy on the couch.
Then it all went to hell. I get bored so easy, so I thought
experimentation.
Fucked a boy over the bathtub while my boyfriend ran around the space looking for me.
It’s not that I don’t have morals. It’s that I got sick of saving him. My father patched up the hole in the bedroom wall. I threw away the ripped nightgown.
Then I heard that going on and off your drugs can cause brain damage. I’m definitely damaged.
Afraid of what? I have no idea. Closeness? I can take my clothes off easy enough. But if you want to get to know me; without the coyness, the bitch mechanisms, the plaything, Good fucking luck.
Sometimes it’s just about protection.
6:03 PM
I can not believe this was actually written and printed.
""It looks like NSCAD University’s second campus may be heading for south-end Halifax, cutting off Dartmouth’s hopes like Van Gogh’s ear."
-The Daily News
I feel violated by bad writing.
1:10 PM
3.02.2005
I showed Ryan the middle finger of my right hand. I wiggled it a little, took a sip of the wussy white wine and said--If someone said you could have anything, your greatest, most peaceful dream fulfilled instantly---but you had to give this finger, just this one finger, would you do it and what would it be?
-Nothing.
-Nothing?
-I don't believe in body modification.
-Oh, well, that's boring.
-I will fulfil all of my wishes, they will come to me because I believe, blahblahblah.
-...Unhuh.... I'm drifting.
-What would you want?
-I would give up this finger if I could have a house by the ocean, just across the street and big rocks where I can take naps. I would be, let's say eight months pregnant, and it's July, and sunny. I'm wearing a yellow dress, it's faded. There's a garden.
-That's beautiful. May I ask...is there a husband in this picture?
-Huh? Ohhh...I dunno, I guess. He's in the house somewhere? oh...and there would be lots of white laundry blowing in the wind. I love white laundry.
6:53 PM
I flipped it over and wrote it back. But in the bathroom I washed my face, thought of snatching it off the kitchen table and hiding it in my room. Stuffing it under dad’s navy socks, pretending to throw it out. Went to the kitchen. Poured a gin. Cracked some cubes and cried a little. I have a lot of love.
1:41 AM
3.01.2005
I don't mean to be whiney but I bought kraft dinner at Shopper's and sat on the chair waiting for my 70 dollar prescription, sighing loudly, watching the lesbians with acne and eating crispers. I saw a display for diabetesSEX and I was mildly interested but too depressed to bother to see what it was all about. The bike shop down the street closed and there's a typed sign that says 'So long, thanks for the fish.' Today on the street car I saw a guy with a tattoo that said 'Only God can judge me.' And I thought 'you're fat, you're ugly, you have a tattoo on your neck and you didn't shave this morning, I'm judging you.'
There's no toilet paper so I had to blow my nose and clean up the cat puke with coffee filter.
I am bummed.
1:18 PM
