5.24.2005
You know when you have a lung infection and you cough? And you spit out the shit that came up and sometimes it's just spit. Well, you know when it's more than spit? And you see the yellow snot that just came out of your lungs, on the ground, or the sink, or your hand? That's like the most satisfying shit ever.
So. I have to find a place to live. In Toronto, you have to fork over first and last. So. That's like 2000 bucks. I don't have 2000 bucks. I have 10 dollars in toonies. I deserve to suffer though.
I will figure it out. I always do.
There's a bar in Kensington where I hang out. The owner buys us shots and smokes us up. We were sitting on Shannen's roof top patio and he threw us a joint.
I hung out with Gwenna again. Shannen said when he picked her up at her mom's she asked if I was gonna be at his house. Adorable.
That's it. I have nothing.
12:01 PM
5.21.2005
I gotta get it together. I avoid anything that causes stress. The thought and the subsequent action. That's why the pictures didn't move all crazy. They just stood still, like I was a senior. Although I don't believe that. I think seniors have a lot of stress. Lonliness. Dead friends. Poverty.
I hate money. Maybe that's why I toss it like it's rotten rose. I hold what I love close. But I'm lucky. I will never starve. I have a family and I have friends. Some people are really alone.
A couple of friends have noted my reckless behaviour. Hmmmm, If I'm reckless, why do I feel calm?
If you had seen me at other times. At least I'm eating. I'm living. Do you have any idea how I cherish what you call reckless? I could lay in bed all day. I could tear my hair. I could stop eating. Does that make it easier for you? I know that I'm not easy to love. We all have problems. Why do people get angry when something beautiful happens?
Fucking.
Eating.
Laughing.
I don't get it. I am just trying to wake up in the morning and go to bed at night.
They're searching for a man in Toronto, who burned and beat his new girlfriend's 6 year old son. What kind of sickness drives a man to hurt a human who barely reaches his pelvic bone? An emotion is not the reason. Or even a combination of emotions. Rage? How could you feel rage towards a child? What kind of satisfaction do you get when you beat a child? I suspect none. I suspect the emptiness just grows and grows.
2:13 PM
5.20.2005
My computer broke.
I'll be home in a month.
Anyone got a blow up doll? I need it for a friend.
I am very happy right now. Something neat happened.
I hope you are all well.
I love you.
8:04 PM
5.11.2005
I just bet Mark Black 50 bucks that I would "refrain from sexual and oral intercourse" for the next 4 months. I WILL WIN. (it's mainly for my own health and then I'll get 50 buck out of it). He doesn't think I can do it. Whateves.
9:12 PM
5.10.2005
I have spent the last few days with Shannen’s daughter Gwenna. She is almost three. Yesterday we bought acorns, bumblebees and salsa. I took Gwenna’s feet and put them in my purse and then we cooked everything up and ate it.
I learned not to chase a toddler when she runs. Instead you say “Gwenna. Walk please.” Do that with your quiet voice and you get results. I’m gonna be a great mom.
We went to the hospital to visit her mommy and her new brother Salvador. Gwenna likes to be barefoot. I understand perfectly.
“Can I take out your ponytail?”
“No, you can’t.”
“Oooooookay then.”
“Can I take your feet home with me?”
“They’re MY FEET!”
“Oh no, I think they’re mine.”
“Ok.”
I slept on the couch. Barely, for two nights. I dreamt all night that Gwenna woke up. I will be a nervous mother. At the park, I watch the other kids. I would not let my child climb that.
What makes my girl
So sick and meaningful?
Beauty and sarcasm
I don’t know baby. You tell me.
On Saturday I went to Sneaky Dee’s to meet up with Mike B and the other East Coasters. I got drunk very fast. Mike B will tell you. Then we went to a hipster musician party where I told some guy he was the most boring person I’ve ever talked to. After I took his beer. Honestly. If you think smirking and grunting makes you cool, you’re a fucking fool. The East Coast boys were the funnest.
1:29 PM
You know when you have a lung infection and you cough? And you spit out the shit that came up and sometimes it's just spit. Well, you know when it's more than spit? And you see the yellow snot that just came out of your lungs, on the ground, or the sink, or your hand? That's like the most satisfying shit ever.
So. I have to find a place to live. In Toronto, you have to fork over first and last. So. That's like 2000 bucks. I don't have 2000 bucks. I have 10 dollars in toonies. I deserve to suffer though.
I will figure it out. I always do.
There's a bar in Kensington where I hang out. The owner buys us shots and smokes us up. We were sitting on Shannen's roof top patio and he threw us a joint.
I hung out with Gwenna again. Shannen said when he picked her up at her mom's she asked if I was gonna be at his house. Adorable.
That's it. I have nothing.
12:01 PM
5.21.2005
I gotta get it together. I avoid anything that causes stress. The thought and the subsequent action. That's why the pictures didn't move all crazy. They just stood still, like I was a senior. Although I don't believe that. I think seniors have a lot of stress. Lonliness. Dead friends. Poverty.
I hate money. Maybe that's why I toss it like it's rotten rose. I hold what I love close. But I'm lucky. I will never starve. I have a family and I have friends. Some people are really alone.
A couple of friends have noted my reckless behaviour. Hmmmm, If I'm reckless, why do I feel calm?
If you had seen me at other times. At least I'm eating. I'm living. Do you have any idea how I cherish what you call reckless? I could lay in bed all day. I could tear my hair. I could stop eating. Does that make it easier for you? I know that I'm not easy to love. We all have problems. Why do people get angry when something beautiful happens?
Fucking.
Eating.
Laughing.
I don't get it. I am just trying to wake up in the morning and go to bed at night.
They're searching for a man in Toronto, who burned and beat his new girlfriend's 6 year old son. What kind of sickness drives a man to hurt a human who barely reaches his pelvic bone? An emotion is not the reason. Or even a combination of emotions. Rage? How could you feel rage towards a child? What kind of satisfaction do you get when you beat a child? I suspect none. I suspect the emptiness just grows and grows.
2:13 PM
5.20.2005
My computer broke.
I'll be home in a month.
Anyone got a blow up doll? I need it for a friend.
I am very happy right now. Something neat happened.
I hope you are all well.
I love you.
8:04 PM
5.11.2005
I just bet Mark Black 50 bucks that I would "refrain from sexual and oral intercourse" for the next 4 months. I WILL WIN. (it's mainly for my own health and then I'll get 50 buck out of it). He doesn't think I can do it. Whateves.
9:12 PM
5.10.2005
I have spent the last few days with Shannen’s daughter Gwenna. She is almost three. Yesterday we bought acorns, bumblebees and salsa. I took Gwenna’s feet and put them in my purse and then we cooked everything up and ate it.
I learned not to chase a toddler when she runs. Instead you say “Gwenna. Walk please.” Do that with your quiet voice and you get results. I’m gonna be a great mom.
We went to the hospital to visit her mommy and her new brother Salvador. Gwenna likes to be barefoot. I understand perfectly.
“Can I take out your ponytail?”
“No, you can’t.”
“Oooooookay then.”
“Can I take your feet home with me?”
“They’re MY FEET!”
“Oh no, I think they’re mine.”
“Ok.”
I slept on the couch. Barely, for two nights. I dreamt all night that Gwenna woke up. I will be a nervous mother. At the park, I watch the other kids. I would not let my child climb that.
What makes my girl
So sick and meaningful?
Beauty and sarcasm
I don’t know baby. You tell me.
On Saturday I went to Sneaky Dee’s to meet up with Mike B and the other East Coasters. I got drunk very fast. Mike B will tell you. Then we went to a hipster musician party where I told some guy he was the most boring person I’ve ever talked to. After I took his beer. Honestly. If you think smirking and grunting makes you cool, you’re a fucking fool. The East Coast boys were the funnest.
1:29 PM
